Gripenfelter Funny Status Messages

   When you text me and ask me what I'm doing and I tell you "nothing", that isn't an open invitation for you to suggest things for me to do. I already have plans. I'm doing NOTHING!!

   I need a high quality Storm Trooper outfit. Not for Halloween. Just to wear around the house, go shopping in, and wear in the bedroom. Also need to get the wife an R2D2 costume for the same purpose...ok mostly for the bedroom.

   I judge the quality of my Facebook posts by how often my name comes up in therapy with your shrink.

   I hold my wife's hand in the mall. Not because it's romantic but more because it's economical. It keeps her from shopping.

   Amazon's Prime Day: An experiment in quantifying disappointment. #primeday

   Hand sanitizer?? No thanks, I let my kids eat dirt when they were little so now they have no allergies.

   Congrats USA. Always one step behind Canada and one step closer to being Canada...now give up your guns...it's your destiny. [/Palpatine]

   When pulling out the a nal beads, never say "And the winning powerball numbers are..."

   The difference between fetish and felony is googling ahead of time.

   There's a contaminated water scare in my town and I haven't used my bidet in two days because I don't want E. coli in my bum.

   Headed over to this "Toys for Tots" thing today...so how many tots do I have to trade in for a PS4 or an Xbox One?

   The music industry has suffered a great loss. Justin Bieber was found ALIVE in his hotel room.

   Whenever I silently fart in bed I always ask the wife if she smells popcorn so she will take a big whiff looking for the popcorn smell...I'm just evil like that.

   Figured out who my favorite child is on the drive home today when "Thunder Struck" by AC/DC came on the radio. Child #1: What is that noise? Is something wrong with the radio? Child #2: Turn it up papa!!

   Just made a batch of my super spicy 3 jalapeno chili. MILF! And by MILF I mean Man I Love to Fart!!

   I think I'm going to change my kids' middle names to "DANGER" just so they can tell people Danger is their middle name...YEAH BABY!!

   I think women should be put on the front lines of any military assault force once a month. PMS+ gun = unstoppable.

   Apparently someone is stabbed in Detroit every 54 secs. It must suck to be that guy.

   When you get married, wouldn't it make more sense for the groom's mother to walk the bride down the aisle? That way you would have the woman that brought you into this world and the woman that will take you out of it.

   Canadian Thanksgiving tip #43: The meal isn't over until you hate yourself.