Gabe Funny Status Messages

   You'd be surprised at how quick Lowe's employees help you after ignoring you for 20 minutes when you try to start a chainsaw...

   Luckily "Smoking in the Boys Room" was released in 1973. If it was released today, it'd be called "Vaping in the Gender Neutral Area"

   My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food in front of you. So I took her to Subway... and that's when the fight started...

   If you see me talking to myself just ignore it. I'm self employed and we're having a staff meeting...

   No need for me to storm Area 51... I've been to Walmart...

   Which one of you guys posted that ass ugly selfie that broke facebook??

   Of course I'm am an organ donor. Who wouldn't want a piece of this!?

   I discovered that growing up in the '60's was more fun than being in my 60's...

   My trust issues first started when my mom said "Come here, I'm not gonna hit you"...

   My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm. I gave her the glue stick by mistake. She's still not talking to me...

   Amazon just broke up with New York... on Valentine's Day...

   Sometimes I put my car in neutral at stoplights and roll back a little so people will think I drive a manual...

   The circumference of a pumpkin divided by it's diameter = pumpkin pi...

   Did you know you don't need a parachute to skydive? You only need a parachute if you want to skydive twice...

   My lunch is packed... thermos full of coffee, have a change of clothes, have my laptop and phone...... Headed to Starbucks for the day!! I'd bring something back for you guys but I'm broke...

   The GOP memo is out and it said the groundhog saw it's shadow which means one more year of Trump aaaannnndddd I don't know what the hell I'm talking about....

   Gov't shutdown? Yippee! I'm collecting rainwater for my garden before they reopen and fine me!!

   I was told I would understand when I got older. Well, I'm older and still don't understand...

   The fact that we have to buy trash bags just to throw those same bags in the trash is why I'm angry today...

   "We have smaller, secret pants that we wear under our normal pants..." - me explaining underwear to aliens.