Fazzella Funny Status Messages

   How do you know when you're with a gentleman? At the end of the date he asks, "May I inquire as to the possibilities which center around my being able to accompany you into your humble abode, whereby you gratuitously allow me to stick it in

   I'm convinced that I'm the only person in the universe who detests rotisserie chicken. Wet and greasy. Like my high school girlfriend.

   I had a dream last night that I was a kid and my big and middle toes were missing. I yelled for my mom and told her. She said, "Don't worry about it. I'm pretty sure one went to market and the other one's having roast beef."

   I'm not exactly sure what went down last night. But I woke up in my bed partially clothed, and found business cards in my pocket from a lawyer, a chirpractor, and the Shriners Women's Auxiliary.

   When exactly do young chicks become old hens? Just asking for my wife and her clucking friends.

   To those of you still mourning the losses of Prince, David Bowie, and the guy from The Eagles, it's okay. You still have Nickelback.

   Tomorrow is Cinco de Mayo: The Feast of the 5 Mayonnaises: Hellmann's-Kraft-Duke's-Blue Plate and Miracle Whip

   Here in America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.

   The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.

   In celebration of Earth Day, I went outside and stared at the ground for a little while.

   RIP: The artist formerly known as Alive.