Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can talk to animals... they don't talk back but the stuff I say to them is still really cool.

   Breaking news: Kobe Bryant seen chewing jersey, experts confirm he is part moth.

   Cinco de Mayo....not 1 yard will be mowed today!!

   may the 5th of jack be with you

   Just found out my "Sleep Number" is good Old Number 7 good ole Jack Daniels

   The best part of waking up is Folgers in your cup, but the worst part of waking up is Folgers out your ass.

   Cheated on Facebook with my real life today.

   If you see a profile pic with 1 fat girl and 1 pretty girl and can't figure out who's profile it is, make no mistakes… it's the fat one's.

   got a phone call asking to donate clothes for the starving people of the world..I laughed so hard I cried..if they can fit in my clothes they ain't starvin'!

   Cinco de mayo : or as I call it...The day that all the people who complain about Mexicans all the sudden want to celebrate their holiday just so they have a reason to drink today..

   I can always tell when it is Senior Citizen Discount Day at the grocery near my house. All the blue parking spaces are double parked.

   For you GRINGOS who want to celebrate Cinco de Mayo the right way, you'll need the following: A Loud Mariachi Band, Fajitas, Chihuahua Races in the Backyard, Have all of your guests carpool in one car, and lots of Corona and Tequila! ¡Viva la raza!

   Cinco De Mayo, the only day Americans want to be Mexican

   Happy Cinco de Mayonnaise!

   Marie Osmond remarried her first husband 26 years after their divorce. I wish her and Donny all the best

   Oops....Apparently throwing fireworks at people in McDonald's parking lot & yelling Happy Cinco De Mayo is frowned upon : (

   a mariachi band, is making fajitas, and organizing chihuahua races in the backyard to celebrate Cinco de Mayo. You know you want to be here...

   For those who will celebrate Cinco de Mayo with "authentic" 36% beef tacos, we pray to the Lord.

   Happy Cinco de drinko, Viva la tequila!!

   So, just wondering...Is the Navy seal who shot Bin Laden going to get the 25 million bounty he so rightly deserves???? HE SHOULD!!!!