Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   At night, I secretly delete people on your page while you are asleep that might be potential flirters. You call it insecurity, but I call it job security…you're welcome!

   Turning on my computer reminds me of the days when you would have to wait for the tubes to warm up on the TV.

   If you are dreaming of being on the same level with me, you better wake up and apologize!

   Its taken me 20 some odd years to figure out who was the favorite child, until I went to my moms basement last week and found a box labled Sean's bath toys- It was a radio and toaster..

   I miss the good old days when rock stars abused drugs and alchohol. Now they abuse auto-tune and Photoshop.

   That awkward moment, when you wave to someone and it turns out they were waving to the person behind you.

   Armored dog aided Navy SEALs. Somehow, “good dog” doesn't seem enough.

   When you confront your Man, don't make him feel interrogated. Remember, you could win the argument and still lose the Man.

   After many bad reviews it's clear the Blackberry playbook is no threat to the iPad. In response Apple release the iToldYa

   When you love someone truly and unconditionally, age, distance, bank balance, height or weight is just a damn number.

   ooh lookie my mood ring is a beautiful shade of I dont give a crap

   Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose your job. Recovery is when Obama loses his job

   Who want's to Indian Leg Wrestle?

   Some guy just gave me half of a peace sign.

   I wish my car was more like KITT. Not for the crimefighting abilities, mind you, I'm just really lazy.

   celebrating Sheen-co de Mayo with some Tiger Blood!

   Thirsty Thursday and Cinco de Mayo fall on the same day, coincidence? She thinks not

   In celebration of Cinco De Mayo I'll be drinking Guinness and Jameson Whiskey tonight. Ole!

   S.H.*.T.= So Happy It's Thursday! =)

   How long a minute is, depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.