Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Keep your FRIENDS close and your Enemies on Limited Profile.

   Before you judge people, make sure you're better than them, or at least you're not one of them.

   The Walk Of Shame: When you toss a paper ball in the trash, miss, then have to go get it.

   Dear women: we don't give a CRAP about eyebrows. Love, men.

   off to get charged. Will be back when the batteries are full. Good night all.

   dollarama should be a Tonnie Rama now.

   Keep your friends close and your enemies...on a tight leash.

   Eww... There's a little Bin Laden in my tuna sandwich!

   There are three kinds of people: Those that agree with me, those that kinda agree with me...then there are those that are buried in the backyard ;)

   Not that I'm complaining, but I think the sales lady at the furniture store misunderstood when I told her I wanted one nightstand."

   Inside me there is a thin, blonde, glamourous woman. But that's just because I lost a bet at a sorority party and had to eat a barbie doll."

   I do not understand how a phone that starts your car can be a selling point. If someone steals your phone, they not only have your car, but more than likely your facebook, which let's face it, is scarier than losing a car.

   No, I'm not "done sleeping." In fact, I will never be done sleeping, I'm merely taking a break in order to earn money so that I may keep my bed in its current, climate-controlled location.

   Any story you tell about something you did the night before, that starts with the word "Apparently," is probably awesome."

   Misunderstanding one word can make all the difference - like the time my girlfriend said that she'd like me to splurge on her occasionally."

   They say laughing adds 15 minutes to your life... So try not to smile

   Shout out to all the moms who spent their whole Mother's Day thinking and worrying, "If this dummy ever asks for a paternity test, I can kiss the good life goodbye”

   My kids will be mad at me when they discover it isn't illegal to talk in the car while I'm driving.

   I'll stop being so lazy when being so lazy stops being so awesome.

   When someone texts you “hahahahaha!!” instead of “haha” or “lol”, you know you've done well.