Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If it wasn't for bad luck, I would have good luck.

   My buddy told me he really screwed up with his wife and she told him he had better have something in the garage in 24 hours that goes from 0 to 200 in 5 seconds......I told him to get her a scale

   You would think NBA players would get better chairs to sit in during the game.

   Spinning my mouse wheel because that's how I scroll

   Wouldn't it be great if elevators replaced all their buttons with a single Surprise Me button?

   Remembers the time when we memorized phone numbers of our friends, family, and spouses. Now we can't even remember our parents' numbers without looking down at the phone.

   Every time I see someone type "prom", I initially read it as "porn". Thanks internet!

   Brothers and sisters fighting is as natural as a white mans dialogue in a Spike Lee movie.

   Be yourself. Who else is better qualified.

   Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will, but remember it didn't work for the rabbit.

   The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

   Honolulu - it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the Husband, sharks for the husbands mother.

   Do you remember that time we were on the school bus and you had your head out the window and I had my a$$ out the window and everyone thought we were twins?

   I slept like a baby last night,,,,of course minus the peeing and pooping on myself.......

   One of the high points about me working Sunday mornings...is reading the status updates people post after a night of drinking!

   Its Sunday....Sunday. It comes after Saturday!!!!

   Happy PALM Sunday to All Singles out there!!

   I love in horror movies how the person yells out "hello?!" as if the killer is gonna say "yeah I'm in the kitchen, want a sandwich?"

   Do not follow where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.

   This is an "A" and "B" conversation, so "C" your way out before "D" jumps over "E" and "F"'s you up like a "G" :)