Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know you are getting old when you throw out your back but you don't know how it happened.

   Christmas is really kind of weird. “Let’s all sit around a dead tree in the living room and eat candy out of our socks”

   If you ever wake up naked on your neighbour's lawn, just pretend you're a werewolf.

   I heard a couple arguing in mcdonalds and the guy stood up and said “i’m mcdone with you” and walked out

   I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn't wait to tell her bye.

   Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.

   Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber? Me: Misread the brochure I have.

   I'm "When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head" years old.

   WD-40 is an essential oil.

   Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment. Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job. Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.

   I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.

   Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.

   Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep. We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe. - me receiving an invitation of any kind

   Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k? Me: that's bananas.

   I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.

   I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife's cosmetics to get me in trouble.

   Welcome to your 40s - you now think every car has its brights on.

   Divorce Log: December 16, 2005 ME: Is this new bed I got us great or what!!! Wife: Uh... NO! ME: (looking down from top bunk) Why not?

   After that beating and broken jaw, Colby's probably like, "He thill yo prethident."

   You can tell the age of an artificial Christmas Tree by the lines of tape wrapped around the box it's stored in.