Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Your pets are going to light your sh*t on fire in rage when you start going out again post quarantine, fyi.

   HOUSEWIVES: Save money on expensive gadgets by changing your name to Alexa and obeying random instructions from everyone in your household.

   I Love octopus. Tried to cook one the other night and took me 5 hours. The sucker kept turning off the gas.

   IS: We are reluctantly laying off all suicide bombers , due to insufficient crowd sizes.

   Many parents are about to discover that the teacher was not the problem.

   Gotta say that the class of 2020 outdid themselves with Senior Skip Day this year.

   If Martial Law is declared, do we stack the bodies of the home invaders and burglars at the curb on Trash Day? Asking for a friend.

   It’s so hard to explain puns to an atheist. They take everything literally

   Does anyone know if we should take showers or just keep washing our hands?

   I put four beers in each room of the house, now I;m going to get cleaned up and go bar hopping

   Beware everyone!! There's emails going around saying if you eat tinned pork, it will help avoid Covid. Please ignore as it's only Spam

   I just auditioned for a play about the toilet paper shortage because they said there might be a roll for me.

   Are Liquor Stores considered essential businesses and therefore required to remain open? Asking for a friend.

   Darn Facebook is so packed with traffic I had to walk over from Instagram as someone parked in Myspace.

   Studies have confirmed that women can significantly increase imMunity to COVID by ingesting semen.

   Finland has closed its borders. Now no one can cross the Finnish line

   Have I ever been in a stable relationship? I’m not into livestock, you sick twist. What’s wrong with you? Why did your mind even go there?

   Remember on 'The Wire' when the drug dealers in Hamsterdam were like, "Got that pandemic!"? HBO should do a 'Where are they Now?' episode...

   Tiger King is like watching the UPN Network version of The Lion King, produced by Jerry Springer.

   We Just bought 12 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.