Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   At first I was excited that the Bulls game got pushed back, but when I found out Oprah's s\Secrets was not a new line of plus size lingerie I have to admit I was disappointed

   Relationships are like fat people most of them dont work out

   Next time I go to the opera... I'm taking my own fat lady in case I need to leave early.

   thinking this whole rapture thing is going to create jobs.... And both democrats and republicans are going to try and take credit.

   If you're a man and shave your legs I hope you're ok with being called a pre-op transsexual. P.S. I don't care if you enjoy swimming

   Rapture Tip: Bring a trash bag to collect left behind clothes . You'll only have a couple hours before the best stuff is picked over.

   thinking about handcuffing himself to Billy Graham for Saturday's rapture...

   If I've learned one thing from Facebook... it's how to get a ton of work done in an hour after wasting 80% of my day Facebooking.

   Well, at least we'll get to see the new "Pirates of the Caribbean" movie before the Rapture. Woulda been a shame to miss that one.

   I hope that James Earl Jones will be narrating the rapture.....

   You know when you watch children to much when you think news channel and punch in cartoon channel.

   So Irish terrorists planted a pipe bomb in the luggage compartment of a bus. Thank heavens there was a last minute decision for her to travel around Ireland by limo.

   Lady Gaga... "Being asked to be godmother of Elton Johns son brought a lump to my throat." No Gaga that's called an adams apple, mate.

   I read somewhere that we only use 10% of our brains. I wonder what the other half is for?

   My laboratory assistant has invented a device that allows you to steal other people's ideas and then permanently delete them from the subject's memory. Why didn't I think of that?

   You know the world is messed up when the worlds best rapper is white, the best golfer is black, the tallest man in the NBA is asian and the girl with the highest voice is Justin Biber.

   I press Like or Dislike exclusively to make it an even number

   First-year gynecologists have to take a special med school class about not high-fiving other first-year gynecologists.

   Like all great artists, Tony Danza never actually came out and said who the boss was. They left it to the viewer to decide.

   If the rabbit was named "Rabbit", the piglet was named "Piglet", and the owl was named "Owl", why wasn't Christopher Robin named "Dude"?