Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "On your bach,or you vill go bach"-Arnold Schwarzenegger

   Tip to reduce weight: Turn your head to the left and then turn it to the right. Repeat exercise when offered something to eat.

   that akward moment when someone says something really dumb just as the crowd gets silent

   I don't think I should be held responsible for the things I say to fill awkward silences.

   who's your daddy and what does he do? Governor California

   it considered addiction if you need a cup of coffee to fall asleep?

   I told a lady in the elevator this morning that I think she drew her eyebrows on to high. She looked suprised.

   Today's irony: listening to Skynard's "That smell" as I'm driving by Harris Beefs stockyard.

   going to make sure he is wearing clean underwear for the rapture.

   predicts Harold Camping will die of old age before any rapture.

   just hired Blondie to perform at his rapture party.

   s a cool dad, that's my thang. I'm hip, I surf the web, I text. LOL: laugh out loud, OMG: oh my god, WTF: why the face

   Maybe this Mississippi flooding is part of the rapture thing? Has anyone thought about building an ark???

   You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.

   Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

   If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave Man, I guess I am a coward.

   If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind people and pinching them is probably a joke that gets old real fast

   Rapture Prank: Put small piles of clothes around local churches the morning of 5/22 & record reactions : )

   It is not sufficient to be a success; it is also necessary for your friends to be failures.

   Instead of calling in sick, call in well. Tell them how great you feel not having to go to work today.