Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Roses are red, violets are blue... I have a gun so get in the van.

   Not looking forward to the end of the world sat..should be on a monday..

   running for the phone charger like it's the end of the world

   I wonder if Rapper M-Bone is teaching Jesus how to Dougie!!

   instead of that daylight savings crap why dont we just move the clock ahead an hour every friday at noon so we get outta work early , then on sunday move the clock back an hour at like 3AM so we can sleep that extra hour .

   Just killed a spider in kitchen and I'm leaving it there dead on the floor , just so all the rest can see what will happen to them .

   Someone questioned: "Y do we need a lover when there are so many around to love us?" A wise man answered: "As air is everywhere but we still need a fan to feel it!" :)

   i thought it was going to take us a couple of days to take down libya! what happened?

   There are only 2 types of honest people in this world, small children & drunk people

   I dont think of myself as a dumb person. I think of myself as a smart blonde.

   I better get to sleep. I have to get up early to call in sick to work..

   The slogan "America runs on Dunkin'" pretty much sums up where we are as a country.

   Why cant the apocalypse be sunday I have so much crap to do saturday..!!!!

   I want to be a pharmacist. Just so I can yell "Now take your suppositories and shove'em straight up your a$$!"

   The best thing that Donald Trumb did was fired himself.

   To the makers of fruitroll-ups: when I enjoy your deliciousness, I mess up the touchscreen on my smartphone. Work on that please...

   thinks it's kind of cruel that those people who fought in WWII and survived Mustard Gas and Pepper Spray are now referred to as 'Seasoned Veterans'....

   Hey Old Navy Mannequins, stop trying so hard, you're embarrassing yourself.

   Only five shopping days left until the apocalypse!

   Relationships are alot like breaking a horse.. When you first jump on them, they are going to buck and fight and try to take off.. But stay on long enough and they will let you ride them anytime you want!! - Todd