Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   looking for some good end-of-the-world bargains today and tomorrow

   to the guy above this.. I'm talking about the world ending..

   they search for years and spend millions of dollars looking for Osama, and where was he? At home hiding behind his wife!

   ahhh where the hell is spring? if you see her around tell her to come see me immediately

   Be careful on how you pronounce "Schwarzenegger." You may upset some black people around you

   Apparently Imogen Thomas is struggling to launch her pop career. She's been unable to announce any Giggs.

   That awkward moment when you get hung up on and you continue the conversation alone to attemp to fool the other people in the room..

   To ensure you never cut yourself while chopping vegetables, get a friend to hold the vegetable.

   We should have a way of telling people their breath stinks without hurting their feelings like, for example: "I'm bored, lets go brush your teeth!"

   Dear God, If the world is going to end on Saturday, please accept my request for forgiveness for what I am about to do on Friday. Sincerely, Your Number One Fan

   I bet those people that mow their lawns just after it rains are the same people that wash their car just before it rains.

   the world is ending Saturday??? Oh well this is bogus, it was supposed to be December 21, 2012?

   that if you asked me, at one time I would have given you the world...Now, you ask for anything, I'll bend over and give you the f**kin moon!

   Arnold Schwarzenegger should have lived by one of the ten commandments of politics: Thou shalt not put thy rod in thy staff.

   Rapture "I'm going out the way I came in, without pants.

   If you actually believe in this Doomsday & Rapture nonsense...Please gracefully delete yourself from my friend's list...Coz I am allergic to retards and idiots.

   Nuts on a wall: Walnuts. Nuts on a chest: Chesnuts. Nuts on a Chin: BJ

   I'm so sick of hearing about the rapture... Shut up already, if it happens we'll have all eternity to talk about it in he'll.

   Have you guys ever heard of the "SNUGGIE"? Well in fact, the Original "SNUGGIE" is from Mexico, it's called "The Pancho"

   Brooklyn Decker is either an ungodly hot supermodel, or a delicious, multi-tiered sandwich. You can't lose with a Brooklyn Decker.