Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   thinking about handcuffing himself to Billy Graham for Saturday's rapture...

   If I've learned one thing from Facebook... it's how to get a ton of work done in an hour after wasting 80% of my day Facebooking.

   Well, at least we'll get to see the new "Pirates of the Caribbean" movie before the Rapture. Woulda been a shame to miss that one.

   I hope that James Earl Jones will be narrating the rapture.....

   You know when you watch children to much when you think news channel and punch in cartoon channel.

   So Irish terrorists planted a pipe bomb in the luggage compartment of a bus. Thank heavens there was a last minute decision for her to travel around Ireland by limo.

   Lady Gaga... "Being asked to be godmother of Elton Johns son brought a lump to my throat." No Gaga that's called an adams apple, mate.

   I read somewhere that we only use 10% of our brains. I wonder what the other half is for?

   My laboratory assistant has invented a device that allows you to steal other people's ideas and then permanently delete them from the subject's memory. Why didn't I think of that?

   You know the world is messed up when the worlds best rapper is white, the best golfer is black, the tallest man in the NBA is asian and the girl with the highest voice is Justin Biber.

   I press Like or Dislike exclusively to make it an even number

   First-year gynecologists have to take a special med school class about not high-fiving other first-year gynecologists.

   Like all great artists, Tony Danza never actually came out and said who the boss was. They left it to the viewer to decide.

   If the rabbit was named "Rabbit", the piglet was named "Piglet", and the owl was named "Owl", why wasn't Christopher Robin named "Dude"?

   Are you ready, boots? Okay, well, let me know when you're ready.

   in an open relationship with Maria Shriver

   When Arnold and Maria were married many wondered if he could convert her into being a Republican. Well we have the answer now, She converted him into a Kennedy.

   Im headed to Wal Mart to get my May 21st survival kit?

   I'm hoping for some good job openings I can fill when people leave for the Rapture.

   When's it gonna be the 4th of July? I feel like blowin somethin' up and not gettin' arrested.