Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The Skort: skirt in the front, shorts in the back; it's like a mullet for your butt!!

   doesn't wish anyone harm but wouldn't be upset if Justin Bieber was kicked in the head by a donkey.

   in case the WORLD ENDING doesnt happen on Saturday, Fox News had a report that we maybe over run by Zombies, but they did give a 'guide' as to what to do. Thanks Fox News....now I know what to do when the undead attempt to eat my brain.....

   The reason men lie is because women ask so many questions.

   I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.

   I'll never forget the first time we met. Although, I will keep trying. :)

   My girlfriend says I talk while I sleep... but I'm skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it.

   Women can be funny sometimes... like when they say stuff like "Let's just be friends" or "Let me go and I won't tell the cops"

   payin for those jalapenos! My ass is on fire!!

   that awkward moment when she catches you trying to take a pic of her, and you have to pretend to be texting someone...

   ya "playa" skillz is broke, just like ya wallet!!

   I just watched an erectile dysfunction commercial for ten minutes before I realized it was Entourage.

   Arnold Schwarzenegger fathered a child. I saw that movie.

   Staring longingly at the door works for my dog, but I tried it at work and no one let me out. :(

   Centers for Disease Control and Prevention posted a blog on their website on May 16 , 2011; concerning Zombie Apocalypse preparedness.... ummmmm is there something the Government not telling us ???

   Dear Gain, You need to come up with a laundry soap that will wash the disappointment out of my sheets after a regretful one night stand.. Work on that. Sincerly, Every Guy in America

   I see that that they have released a "new" tape from Osama bin Laden. Great, it's going to be just like Tupac and Biggie, more recordings released after they were dead than when they were alive.

   1:00 in the afternoon and no one is on xbox live? What do people have to do this early in the morning that's sooo important you can't play call of duty?

   That awkward moment when you say goodbye to someone and then both walk in the same direction..

   A vampire goes into a bar and asks for boiling water. The barman says "I thought you only drank blood?" The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says "I'm making tea".