Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just told AT&T that I'd make a payment on my cell phone Sunday, so I'm really banking on this rapture sh*t..

   I've got 99 problems and I'm not dealing with any of them (Lay-Z)

   Someone needs to tell Dominique Strauss-Kahn that in this country bankers are only allowed to screw their customers.

   Ex-teammate says Lance Armstrong used PED's...I think I speak for everyone when I say "You didn't know till now?"

   If Facebook ever shut down, you'd see people aimlessly walking round streets, scribbling on walls, poking each other, searching for their friends, thumbs-upping and commenting at everything they see and tagging one another.

   When Facebook starts showing how many times you viewed somebody\'s profile, were all damn screwed.

   Send a Hallmark Card to my EX: ""I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here

   Stupid Question: When people see you lying down with your eyes closed they still ask: "Are you sleeping?" Smartass Answer - "No, I'm training to die!"

   It is impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap.

   I don't leave voicemails because I know they aren't listened to. Yet, if someone calls me and doesn't leave one, my first thought is that it wasn't important enough for me to call them back.

   I wonder what would happen if a witness is asked to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth and they say no?

   I feel like when someone in a heated argument turns to me and says "You agree with me right?" What they are really asking is "Am I going to have to yell at you like this dumbass over here?"

   Saying, "Hang on, I can't hear you!" while I'm in the bathroom is not my way of telling you, "Please talk louder." Just give me a freaking minute.

   I hate it that I can't bounce a tic tac on my pencil...

   i wish it was like the old days when the only thiing I had to worry about was the monster under my bed or which color I wanted to draw a picture

   Scheming and presenting an outward appearance of good while concealing its opposite...... The sign of the hypocrite.

   Did anyone else notice the look on Haleys face when they announced Laurens name instead of hers? CLASSIC !!

   leave a message and if I don't get back to you I don't like you

   If the rapture is Saturday...I hope the Lord knows that I was listening to the preacher while colorin'

   My neighbor tried...BUT it is impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap!!