Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   She: I spend hours in front of the mirror admiring my beauty. Do you think that's vanity? He: No. I think that's imagination.

   The biggest difference between my wife and a bear is that sometimes, if I play dead, the bear will leave me alone.

   Jail..the government's way of sending you to your room.

   I thought about going outside and doing something today but my Wi-Fi really doesn't reach very far.

   Clearly, you are a person with an open mind. I can feel the breeze from here.

   Everyone is always having a good time, till someone poops in the punch bowl

   Just when you think your the center of attetion...I show up

   Just to let you know, Tequila and Tazers are a bad combo. We will miss you Sparky.

   Heard that you should carry whiskey with you in case of snakebite. In related news: I just bought a snake.

   My cup of care \_/ ... ooh look... it's empty..

   I'd f**k your brains out...unfortunately someone beat me to it

   When I say I'm fine it doesn't always mean I'm fine, but what it does mean is leave me the hell alone

   wouldn't have to manage her anger if certain people would manage their stupidity.

   The number of ways I could care less is astounding!

   If you need more instructions, please refer to the users manual, or put your hands together, bow your head and contact tech support!

   The world did not end on the 21st. It was just rebooted. Please be sure your security software is up to date. Run a full scan of your life and remove any malicious files which may be damaging your joy, stealing your hope, or slowing down your blessings. I

   It's perfectly normal and all-American to eat peanut butter off of a steak knife ;) Just be careful!

   That awkward moment when your friends gets in the club and you don't...lol...

   Right hook!! Right hook!! Body blow!! Body blow!! Uppercut!! Uppercut!! the last entry in "Glass Joe's" diary....

   Atheists - 2 Harold Camping - 0