Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When a woman dies, God asks the angels “Was she married?' If the answer is 'yes', He says 'Take her to heaven she's been through hell already"

   It doesn't bother me when I see men and women trade sex everyday like some kind of commodity. What bothers me is when they disguise and try to pass it off as dating. Remove the money element and the relationship crumbles.

   Arnold might not make a good dad... the whole "Hasta la vista baby" issue should have been the first clue!

   has anyone seen that billboard talking about the rapture??? if not, its been posted to my wall at least 75 times in the past hour. come take a look.

   Being married anonymous:::: Hi my name is Ralph I'm a husband and it's been 3 months since my last decision....

   Watchin the Music Awards... Boy, that Beiber chick is guna be one hot lesbian when she grows up!

   Lance Amstrong! You know what they say! Once you learn how to ride a bike on performance enhancing drugs, you never forget!

   I always thought Lance Armstrong was caught doping years ago and we all decided to just be cool with it...

   My supervisor told me "I like working with you. You're the only one I can have a interlectrical conversation with". I don't know if I should feel honored, or ashamed that this man is my boss

   If you care for me at all, upon meeting Dee Snider you will say "Aren't you the singer from that fake band in Pee Wee's Big Adventure?"

   A recent study found the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found golfers drink on average 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon. Almost makes you feel like a hybrid.

   Sometimes your princess in a crown and evening gown is just a retard in a helmet and a Snuggie.

   I killed 6 people this morning thinking they were post-apocalyptic zombies. Then I realized there was no apocalypse, it's just Sunday morning on a long weekend. Sorry to the families of the people who's brains I spiked in the church parking lot this morni

   You know you live with a nerd when you pick a motherboard off of a closet shelf.

   Anyone else think that facebook's picture for a woman who does not have a profile pic looks like Darth Vader...

   You know you live with a nerd when you pick a motherboard off of a closet shelf

   I still think everyone on the east coast should have played dead just to scare the crap out of everyone on the west coast.

   Dear clever comeback, please come to me BEFORE the argument is over.

   According to the BBC, Harold Camping cannot be found today which made me laugh. Now we can all have a bit of peace!

   I dont see your silence as a punishment, I accept it as a gift, Thankyou.!!.