Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dude why are you making that face? You look like you're gambling on a fart.

   Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber. -Plato

   I would punch you straight in the face but my hand would get covered in the $hit you talk.

   What a great world it would be, if the only complaint was bugs on the windshield.

   Cinnabun- $1...cup of mocha coffee- $.50... tripping over the rug, dropping the Cinna bun, spilling the hot coffee on my shoes and yelling "$h!t" out loud in front of 3 customers......priceless

   A Man who treats his lady like a Princess was surely brought up in teh hands of a QUEEN!

   Someday, someone will walk into your life and make you realise why it never worked out with anyone else.

   The easiest way to not be offended by a joke, is to stop being a cu^t.

   If you were any smarter I could teach you to fetch.

   If all the world's a stage, then where's the hook to yank off the idiots?

   "HEY LAAAADIIIIEEEESSS!" - guy who gets no ladies.

   Wherever I have a problem, I sing. And when I realize that my voice is worse than my problem, I smile. (:

   A new drug has been developed for lesbians with depression. Its called trycoxagain

   had a DNA paternity test done on my dogs new puppies....Turns out they all belong to Arnold Schwarzenegger. ツ

   The older I get, the more I enjoy being bored.

   Life isn't about getting nude... Its about being nude.... Bring on National Nude Day

   When you say your life is a joke I really feel sorry for you because it's not even a funny one.

   The 3 C's of life; Choice, Chance, Change. You must make the Choice to take the Chance if you want anything to Change.

   Wife is out of town until tomorrow night. Anyone wanna come sit on the other end of the sofa and ignore me?

   If you're not using your grownup powers to occasionally do something your child-self would have found awesome, then what's the point?