Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't confront people. I was raised right. I talk stuff behind their backs. It's called manners.

   I say "DUDE" right before I say something moderately important.

   i think I need glasses....everywhere I look people have two faces

   I wish they made Off Clip On Repellent for creepy people at WalMart

   Chickens: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

   November 8th 2011: Call of Duty: MW3 + Alcohol + Women = A Night to Remember

   Ignorance is bliss, would explain why I'm so miserable.

   I like that you like my status. Facebook needs a button for that.

   next time I see a place that says no shirt no shoes no service I'm gunna walk in without pants

   Dear Google, They are only using you to get to me! Sincerely, Wikipedia.

   The difference between Obama and Osama is BS.

   BoyfriEND, girlfriEND, friEND. Everything has an END, except family.

   No sport in this lifetime has ever brought the world together as football... You know, the real kind, not the overcommercialized self nominated world championship superbowl.... FUTBOL!!

   If people winked in real life as much as they wink in texts, the world would be an extremely creepy place.

   Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called an enemy planet.

   I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

   Wearing your Oakleys backwards is a stylish way to let people know you're amped about giving them HPV.

   You haven't lived until you've passed through a birth canal.

   Not that we're getting a lot of rain...but the fish are even complaining now.

   The new gas process. Step 1 enter credit card. Step 2 enter annual salary. Processing... Loan approved, you may now fill your gas tank. Have a nice day.