Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if it wasnt for the gutter, my mind would be homeless...

   This just in, all the kids in Kindergarten Cop are Arnold's

   earth is full, go home.

   Does anybody have a good recipe for homemade gasoline?

   Your first mistake was leaving me. Your second mistake was thinking I would die without you.

   Been a week since I broke up with my girlfriend.. I need a new sandwich maker already or I'm going to starve to death.

   86. Sometimes I like to order pizza from Domino's and when the delivery boy rings the bell I open the door in a Pizza Hut outfit.

   Sometime I look at people and think, "I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and sh!t a better argument than that"

   never get into a fist fight with an ugly person, they have nothing to lose

   The way to a girls heart, is through your wallet.

   gonna make a FB account with the name "benefits".That way when a few ppl add me, it'll say: you and 5 other ppl r now friends with benefit

   If at first you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie!

   Forget about differences, let's talk about our similaritites. You ever wake up in the middle of the night, and you don't know what freakin' day it is?

   digesting the fact you've moved onto better things.. LOL JKS you're new boyfriend looks like a retard.

   been so busy lately that even Facebook feels neglected

   After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.

   Get your tongue out of my mouth !...I'm trying to kiss you good-bye !

   Nice BBQ. The bulls got cooked by extreme heat. Anyone want steak?

   im not rich so I'll put a midget in my back pocket so my wallet looks bigger

   I always have this feeling that the SWAT team is waiting to bust through my door