Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.

   I tried yoga and I think my downward dog looked more like winnie the pooh getting stuck in rabbit’s door.

   I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.

   Guy just asked me where a public phone was, I told him 1987.

   2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, were the years I was in my prime.

   At my age when I’m asked if I’m seeing someone I assume they mean a therapist

   this little piggy stayed home this little piggy stayed home this little piggy stayed home this little piggy stayed home this little piggy stayed home

   87% of gym members don’t even know their gym is closed

   This isolation thing is going to make Palm Sunday mean something completely different to a lot of people.

   I pretty much have this social distancing thing down to a science. I go out with no pants on. No one comes within 50 feet of me, let alone 6.

   Sam Adams is the main reason I know what season it is.

   My initial goal is to get really, really fat and be a contestant on The Biggest Loser.

   Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine? Wife: get a babysitter.

   Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?

   Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?

   Good Morning Inmates

   Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day. Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day. Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.

   I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.

   CORONA VIRUS TIP: If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.

   The lockdown has made workout guru Richard Simmons popular again. It's like taking exercise advice from a marshmallow.