Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The new gas process. Step 1 enter credit card. Step 2 enter annual salary. Processing... Loan approved, you may now fill your gas tank. Have a nice day.

   the elevator to success is out of order please use the stairs, one step at a time

   My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.

   Before sending a text to someone who I barely know I check over it a couple times Because I don't want them to think I'm weird

   Can you imagine how much more work women could do Around the house with 4 arms..

   How the hell do Edward Scissorhands And Freddy Kruger wipe their a@@?

   All you need is a good attitude...... and a little glitter!!! (~.~)

   The problems with heroes is that most of them are buried too soon befor they have a chance to become old men.

   The only friends you need in your life are the ones that prove they need you in theirs. I guess it's just sometimes we expect more from our friends because we would be willing to do that much more for them.

   If at first you don't succeed...Do it the way your wife told you to. ;)

   Couldn't afford the penile enlargement but got a great deal on hand reduction!

   Loves getting brain so much I should be a zombie!!

   I bet you $20 I don't have a gambling problem.

   I am currently putting together a workout video called "8 Year Abs"

   I gave my deaf friend an I-Pod for X-mas hoping he would re-gift it back to me.

   I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.

   A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

   Anyone else love it when they text too fast that their phone can not keep up and when you are finished it looks like it is doing it by itself?! Or is it just me?

   having a staring contest with a bottle of Jack.

   MAN! Are they EVER going to catch that Phil Dirt guy? I've been seeing wanted signs for him for YEARS.