Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   To hate a person is a waste; half the people you hate don't care, and the other half don't know.

   Just when you think you've finally hit the bottom, someone tosses you a shovel.

   When I say “wow, that's crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven't been listening to a word of your conversation.

   People liking my status from a week ago on Facebook proves that I have stalkers.

   Ever since watching Extreme Couponing I hate grocery shopping even more!!!!

   I went to the Red Cross to donate blood and was refused. Something to do with my Vodka to Plasma ratio being to high.

   Only the brave men wear white underwear

   Moment of panic: When someone walks in while you're taking a crap at work or school

   Believing Harold Camp is kinda like believing O.J. Simpson as a character witness at a murder trial

   Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn't last long if your morbidly obese.

   Girls who are on the same menstrual cycle as their friends should basically be referred to as gang members... that's how dangerous they are.

   My relationship status with Adobe Photoshop is "It's Complicated"

   some people decided to put their umbrellas up when it was raining intelligence

   What do you mean I'm being sarcastic? I don't even know what sarcasm is!

   I'm wearing shorts today..just resized how much pee splashes when your going pee in the toilet..

   My middle finger gets a stiffy when I think of you

   My life needs more explosions and gaping plot holes.

   True Story: People will believe you when start a story saying "True story"

   Shouldn't all the parking spots at Walmart be handicapped?

   "Right." - Fred