Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   goin' skinny dippin' in the Cement Pond with Elly Mae.

   Before putting any money down on a championship game, always check with the hat makers, they always get it right.

   • BoyfriEND, girlfriEND, friEND. Everything has an END, except family.

   Max Factor mascara makes eyelashes appear three times longer? Max Factor should make condoms.

   This woman at Target does not seem at all appreciative that I just found a lump on her breast.

   just opened a fortune cookie that read: "That wasn't chicken . . ."

   moving to the USA as their gas prices are over $5 per gallon cheaper than anywhere else in the world!

   I watch truTV and CSI so much that I even wipe my fingerprints off the remote after I turn off the TV.

   trust and friendship can be tested by how long a person borrows an item of yours for so long and return it back in the same condition.

   I hate when I'm tired and sleepy, but when I go to bed my body says "just kidding."

   If Tiger Woods and Jesse James are back to dating already, then I don't see any reason why Michael Vick can't get another puppy.

   When your ex asks if you can still be friends right after a break up it's the same thing as having a kidnapper tell you to keep in touch.

   There should be an eject button in cars for people who touch your perfectly-positioned vents.

   You ever hear or see a friend do something and think "Oh yeah, that's a Facebook status." Yeah, me too.

   Have you ever noticed that the only people who wear jogging suits are well over 200 pounds and obviously never jog — unless a buffet is in sight?

   I don't confront people. I was raised right. I talk stuff behind their backs. It's called manners.

   I say "DUDE" right before I say something moderately important.

   i think I need glasses....everywhere I look people have two faces

   I wish they made Off Clip On Repellent for creepy people at WalMart

   Chickens: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.