Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Instead of cashiers saying "here's your receipt" they should say "will you throw this away for me?"

   if your complaining about new statuses, maybe you should do your part and contribute a witty status yourself!

   Can we please get some new ones instead of the constant repeats?

   Dear John Edwards, Thank-you, Thank-you, Thank-you!, Sincerely, Anthony Weiner

   Being dead inside is sad but being dead outside is way sadder.

   Tsunami works like this: If you don't go to beach, beach goes to you.

   a huge heart. Just haven't found a woman that can wrap her arms all the way around it yet.

   i guess if you got the last name weiner, you better advertise it!

   And remember kids it's very dangerous to drive with a flat. But that chipotle was well worth it :)

   Nobody believes you're serious until the first nose is broken.

   There is nothing worse than smelling something disgusting and you're sitting by yourself. Is it me? Is it blowing in through the window? Is there a corpse rotting in the corner?

   If you are wearing Uggz with cargo shorts, you need to get your life together!!!!!!

   Brand new scientifically proven weight loss lipstick... Superglue

   and they have been telling me for years, salad was good for me, well f'ck that i'm sticking to chips.

   Friday's smell like vodka

   A woman has just looked through the window whilst I was playing with myself.

   Grammatically correct affirmations? Now, that is something about which I am talking.

   I'm not sure who was on the elevator before me but they left all of their cologne in here. All of it.

   95% of American drivers say "oh sh!t!" before driving into a ditch... The other 5% are rednecks saying "hold my beer and watch this sh!t."

   Men: If you want sex during "that time of the month," you will have to pull a few strings.