Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I tell women that I invented the phrase "LOL." It gets me so much ass.

   I have not yet begun to procrastinate

   Whenever I have gum, I suddenly get a lot more friends.

   Dear mom, Please stop telling me not to play with my food. You spent the first 2 years of my life pretending it was an airplane.

   Oh wow. you're really gonna fight me over the internet? What's the worst you can do, caps-lock my a@s?

   I could pull it off but my liver is calling in sick in the morning

   ■Hey Journey, I stopped believing. What now?

   Ran into a fat guy with big sideburn chops. He looked like a cross between Chris Farley and Ron Jeremy.

   The problem is I have just enough money to get into trouble but not enough to make bail.

   you can't say the following words without sounding like an Irishman swearing: WHALE, OIL, BEEF, HOOKED.

   Sometimes I need to recheck my facebook account to remember what I did this past weekend. 

   certain that the news companies are now just making stuff up to try and scare us because I've just seen the headline 'KILLER CUCUMBER CLAIMS 10 LIVES.'

   Uhh Sorry Mom & Dad, but I don't think washing behind my ears was the most important place to get cleaned..

   if alcohold is made from old fruit then I exceed my daily requirements by a long shot

   Why does Stevie Wonder love seeded hamburger rolls? Because of the jokes written on top.

   now enemies with you and 5 other people.

   I use my cell phone as backlighting at night when I flip someone off so they can better see my finger.

   Am I the only one that thinks Snookie is starting to look like an Umpa Lumpa from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

   Remember: When strangers offer you drugs, take them, because drugs are expensive!!

   going to go a few pages back, copy a status, then re-word it so I appear creative.