Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   thankfully I choose my alcholic powers for good instead of evil

   Just found out my birthsign is Pyrex, (just been told I was a testtube baby)

   FACT: A cat will blink when struck in the head with a hammer

   Rebecca Black's fame only lasted 2 Friday's

   Instead of cashiers saying "here's your receipt" they should say "will you throw this away for me?"

   if your complaining about new statuses, maybe you should do your part and contribute a witty status yourself!

   Can we please get some new ones instead of the constant repeats?

   Dear John Edwards, Thank-you, Thank-you, Thank-you!, Sincerely, Anthony Weiner

   Being dead inside is sad but being dead outside is way sadder.

   Tsunami works like this: If you don't go to beach, beach goes to you.

   a huge heart. Just haven't found a woman that can wrap her arms all the way around it yet.

   i guess if you got the last name weiner, you better advertise it!

   And remember kids it's very dangerous to drive with a flat. But that chipotle was well worth it :)

   Nobody believes you're serious until the first nose is broken.

   There is nothing worse than smelling something disgusting and you're sitting by yourself. Is it me? Is it blowing in through the window? Is there a corpse rotting in the corner?

   If you are wearing Uggz with cargo shorts, you need to get your life together!!!!!!

   Brand new scientifically proven weight loss lipstick... Superglue

   and they have been telling me for years, salad was good for me, well f'ck that i'm sticking to chips.

   Friday's smell like vodka

   A woman has just looked through the window whilst I was playing with myself.