Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Bring the past only if you are going to build from it.

   We all have the power to change one thing a day in our lives...besides underwear.

   Never fall for those get rich quick schemes. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

   We don't go to high school to find our husband, but to find our bridesmaids.

   There are a lot of great talents in Youtube compared to these overrated, Auto Tuned signed hypes...

   i almost rather burn than have to change my smoke detector battery

   We often fear being rejected so very much that we reject ourselves first before anyone else has the chance.

   Saw this person's photo on Facebook & I thought to myself ” DAMN I'D HIT THAT “……with a truck. “

   Before Facebook, I had told maybe six people “Happy Birthday,” ever.

   A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are.

   Admit it, sometimes, even when your crush does something really weird…. it still looks cute for you.

   Sometimes no news is the best news

   Ate a porcupine for lunch and now isn't feeling well. I think it was spiked

   Hears that the youth in Asia are in mourning after the death of Dr Kevorkian

   I woke up the other night and my entire body was soaked in urine... I was really pissed.

   Dear Jack Kevorkian... You will be greatly missed by all the youth in Asia.

   I HATE BEING BI-POLAR....IT'S AWESOME!!!

   Why is it that the only socially acceptable thing to scratch and sniff in public is a sticker?

   I would pay good money to watch a midget ride a Pitbull .

   I enjoy blowing the horn as I drive past the Blind School and watch all the kids wave in the wrong direction .