Snotty Funny Status Messages

   In time for the Holiday, Axe releases 3 new body sprays... 1. Pull My Finger... 2. Bowling shoe... 3. Elf bum

   By show of hands, who's been fooled 3 times and not known who to blame?

   I initially thought this codeine cough syrup was disgusting, but after the second stack of pancakes, it's not so bad.

   "What the hell are you doing?"... Making a turducken.. "I'm pretty sure they're supposed to be dead first"

   Wow!!!,,,, this ice cream scoop really brings out your eyes.

   "Don't take this the wrong way..." *doctor hands me a suppository

   Drank two Monster Energy drinks,, and started my car by screaming at it... #boss

   Turn the wrong way and the b*tch on the GPS won't shut up. .. *my marriage advice to my boys

   Which side of the plate does the phone go on?

   How many dinosaur remains must we dig up before we understand why they lived underground?

   "BRING ME THE FETUS' OF 3 CHICKENS.".. *Maniacal stare..."Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette"... "AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES"

   in my opinion, a camel's back seems like a very inefficient way to transport straws,,, but I might be a bit biased here.

   Did you know that the average person gains 4 pounds between Thanksgiving and Christmas? Good thing my mom told me I would never be average.

   If I ever go blind, I'll wear two eyepatches, so people will just assume I am a double pirate.

   I saw that veterans got a free meal at Golden Corral on Veterans Day. Why?... Haven't those poor guys been through enough?

   [boarding an airplane in west Africa]... "Have you had any diarrhea in the last 24 hours?"..."Yes. I had 2 tablespoons before bed last night."

   FYI: All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats, if you push people off them and sit real fast.

   "Son, when I was your age we had to walk 50 miles uphill, in the snow with no shoes just to find out if hot, local singles were in the area"

   I never thought Charles Manson would be having a better week than Bill Cosby.

   Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.