Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I woke up the other night and my entire body was soaked in urine... I was really pissed.

   Dear Jack Kevorkian... You will be greatly missed by all the youth in Asia.

   I HATE BEING BI-POLAR....IT'S AWESOME!!!

   Why is it that the only socially acceptable thing to scratch and sniff in public is a sticker?

   I would pay good money to watch a midget ride a Pitbull .

   I enjoy blowing the horn as I drive past the Blind School and watch all the kids wave in the wrong direction .

   I haven't been this bored since my summer as an Amish mechanic .

   Oh Jack Kevorkian... you're in heaven making Terri Schiavo laugh now.

   Having 50 friends in common doesnt automatically mean we know each other and should be friends.

   If you're talking on your cell phone in a public bathroom, don't get mad at me when I flush the toilet over and over so your friend knows *exactly* where you are.

   Someone once said that I should always treat other people how I would like to be treated. Now I'm facing sexual harassment charges.

   Why do the Scottish wear kilts?.......... Because a sheep can hear a zipper from like a mile away.

   The kids outside my window have challenged me to a water fight... I'm just updating my status while I wait for the kettle to boil.

   i slept on the couch last night, because when my wife asked me why I go to the gym so much. I'm thinking because I wanna look good if we get divorced was not the correct responce.

   If you're agruing with an idiot for more than a minute, then there will be two idiots.

   Congress decided not to raise the debt ceiling. If China calls, let it go to voicemail

   if I'm getting pulled over by police and I just coveniently pull into a Dunkin Donuts parking lot, can that be considered bribery??..... I'm just say'n.

   People keep asking, "Should Palin run?" YES! She should run back to Alaska as fast as her $300,000.00 bus can carry her. Go roam the frozen tundra, Caribou Barbie.

   I wonder if the lamestream media has anything better to do today than follow around the crazy lady on the bus or worry about pics of congressmen in their underwear? Focus people! There's real news happening all over the world!

   I'm dying to hear another Kevorkian joke, can I get an assist? Anyone? Anyone?