Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   RIP Jack Kevorkian dead at 83. Final stats: 0 points, 0 rebounds, and 130 assists.

   Exercise your suck muscle ladies, it's Friday Night!

   I've noticed that my usage of profanity increases when I play pacman

   did NOT wake up this morning feeling like P. Diddy. :-(

   jamming out to my Best of Rebecca Black Collection.

   It's true that fame is unimportant. No matter how great a man is, the size of his funeral usually depends on the weather.

   I missed my 5 minute window for a Jack Kevorkian joke. Dammit... now they have all been done to death.

   You know how guys buy really large and expensive vehicles to make up for certain shortages? Well, I don't even have a car.

   Sorry used to mean that you won't do it again. Today it just means "I fcked up but I might do it again."

   Pink had her baby girl last night.... What color is it?

   They always say that the hottest person at the party never gets approached because people are intimidated to talk to them. I'm just going to assume that this is me... It would explain so much.

   No matter how old you are, no matter how much of a bad ass are, if a toddler hands you their ringing toy phone, you answer it.

   When you begin a sentence with “Don't tell anybody, but...”, the person you're talking to has already thought about who to tell.

   I still think if people put "whats on their mind" and were honest... statistically the most popular status update would be "sex."

   Before Facebook, I had told maybe six people "Happy Birthday," ever.

   Life is so much easier with a sense of humor.

   I've spent a small fortune on dog toys and the he's outside chewing on a cardboard box.

   says when a woman ask "what did you say?", she heard it, but she is giving you a 2nd chance to say it right

   when a woman ask "what did you say?", she heard it but she is giving you a 2nd change to say it right

   Apparently Anthony Weiner has too many photos of his junk to keep track of..