Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I went for a self-defence class last night. The instructor said, "I want you to take me by surprise and attack me" So when I saw him in Sainsburys the next day I threw a tin of beans at his head.

   If I had a nickel for every time someone said I'm bad at math, I'd have 47 cents.

   Taco bell always makes me wonder, who ate this burrito before I did.

   quit telling me how addictive the things I ingest are...you know what else is addictive?!!?! EFFIN FOOD..if you stop eating you will have withdraws too!! FREAKS!!

   How come there are never any restrooms in my dreams!

   I went outside once.... The graphics were alright, but the gameplay sucked

   maybe jfraze should read the homepage that sais statuses for facebook...just sayin....Love not anger..

   i think i'd have to be pretty hammered to see Thor

   Today's excuse for drinking beer: "I wanted some beer."

   i wish there was a friend, who could help me as much, as music does

   I liked The Hangover II more the first time I saw it. When it was called The Hangover.

   Was going to complain about the people downstairs having loud s*x, but they finished before I could type this status, I think premature ejaculation is probably punishment enough

   That awkward moment when you and the girl you just met ran out of things to talk.

   BAD DAY I feel like Kylie Minogue - but without the fame, talent or charisma. OMG! I'm Danni Minogue!!

   I dream in High Definition.

   I'm so hungry I could eat the A$$ end out of a rag doll.

   If you don't like my tweets then don't follow me. And if you don't like losing then don't follow Lakers.

   That Awkward Moment when you realise the person you dating has always looked like that. You just never noticed cause you were whipped!

   Can you tell when your statuses are lame? Yes, But unlike parents of an ugly baby, I can disown my status.

   As a parent, can you really not tell if your baby is ugly?