Funny Status Messages

   88% of parenting is begging your kids to cover their mouth when coughing.

   And remember kids, when you go to Target, there really is no “non creepy” way to ask where the Vaseline is.

   A fun way to celebrate Palm Sunday while self-isolating is to slap your loved ones in the face and yell “Palm Sunday”.

   Wonder why kids set out milk and cookies for Santa, but not a salad for the Easter Bunny.

   What are Jared Kushner's qualifications? Screwing the boss' daughter.

   If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.

   I dig, you dig, we dig, she dig, he dig, they dig. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.

   Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.

   I tried yoga and I think my downward dog looked more like winnie the pooh getting stuck in rabbit’s door.

   I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.

   Guy just asked me where a public phone was, I told him 1987.

   2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, were the years I was in my prime.

   At my age when I’m asked if I’m seeing someone I assume they mean a therapist

   this little piggy stayed home this little piggy stayed home this little piggy stayed home this little piggy stayed home this little piggy stayed home

   87% of gym members don’t even know their gym is closed

   This isolation thing is going to make Palm Sunday mean something completely different to a lot of people.

   I pretty much have this social distancing thing down to a science. I go out with no pants on. No one comes within 50 feet of me, let alone 6.

   Sam Adams is the main reason I know what season it is.

   My initial goal is to get really, really fat and be a contestant on The Biggest Loser.

   Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine? Wife: get a babysitter.