Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thought I’d do a little shopping on this day off and I feel like I’m stuck in a time warp. Everyone is dressed so last decade.

   New Year, New Me Yeah, Right Moment: I thought I'd start wearing glasses to appear somewhat intellectual. No one's buying it though. They all say the same thing, "Uh sir, there's no glass in those frames."

   With the new year my plan is to conquer a mountain! also known as finish folding the clean cloths piling up on top of the dryer.

   20 year old in Colorado.... "The Cops!! Quick light a joint to cover up the cigarette smell!!!!"

   Time to lose a little weight from the holidays with my guaranteed to work weight loss program that's called "Log Out of Facebook"

   Just when I was getting use to writing 2019

   I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.

   Sometimes when my gf is asleep, I like to sneak into the living room, put on her dress, and pretend I wear the pants in this relationship.

   Women seem to want security. At least that's what they yell whenever I approach them.

   I went line dancing last night. Well, it was a roadside sobriety test. Same thing.

   I've never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker's Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.

   I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.

   I have been called annoying, not once, not twice, not three times not four times not five times not six times not seven times not eight times not nine times not ten times not eleven times not twelve times not thirteen times not even 14 times._.

   Last year my New Year's resolution was to loss 30 lbs and now that we're about to ring in another New Year I'm happy to say that I've only got 40 more pounds to go!

   Stupid people are like glow sticks. I want to bend them in half until they break, and then shake the s*** out of them until their light turns on.

   Most people sleep peaceably in their beds at night because there are men out there ready to do violence on their behalf.

   It only takes one slow walking person in the grocery store to destroy the illusion that I’m a nice person.

   Sometimes I open my mouth and my mother comes out.

   A good man breaks your headboard, not your heart. -Rules to live by.

   I don’t jump to conclusions. I cannonball into them like a boss.