Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   tongue effing a hot pocket.........oh wait, is that one of the highly inappropriate status messages that makes christians unfriend me?

   How do you know you've found Lebron James' cell phone? It vibrates and receives calls, but doesn't have a ring!

   I got a cialis caught in my throat...I've had a stiff neck for 36 hours

   The tv show American Pickers ought to be renamed to American Pickers & Hoarders

   if I knit you a sweater, Computer, will you stop freezing?

   Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

   I'm old enough to know what's right and wrong, but I'm too young to care.

   have you noticed that when somebody in a movie is told to look out the window they never go to the wrong one?

   i am dating this really sweet homeless chic, she just asked me to move out with her

   just looked in the mirror and saw your next boyfriend

   Sometimes I feel like you guys are only my friends for my statuses

   I posted on your wall. No, not Facebook, look at the side of your house.

   Today I'm offering my "Tasting Menu" which is where I open the cans that got lost in the back of my cabinet and say, "Here, taste this."

   feels Ripped Off after having bought this book titled "How to Make a Woman Constantly Happy"..... 469 Blank Pages!! :-/

   The fake laugh you do when you don't understand what somebody just said to you. You're like :D but deep inside you're like o_O

   Just found out it was raining by looking outside. WTF, Facebook? You're supposed to tell me these things first!

   Just because no one liked your "funny" status the first time you posted doesn't mean you should post it 6 more times.

   75% of my regrets involve hitting "send".

   So after an hour of playing Paper, Rock, Scissors, we decided to call it a tie. Good game, mirror!

   I don't think I could ever work for Research In Motion (the maker of BlackBerry). How do I tell my parents I got a RIM job?