Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I still don't understand how finishing my food is going to save a starving child in Africa.

   The first thing I do when I get a telemarketer call is say "Let's go off script. What are you wearing?"

   People should STOP complaining about Facebook's privacy settings. If you want some PRIVACY, you should go back to Myspace.

   a LEADER, not a follower... But if we're walking into a creepy dark place, SCREW THAT! You're going first!

   Teacher: From all this noise I assume you're done working Student: From all this b**ching I assume you're still single

   I've always wanted to be one of those people who laughs all the way to the bank, instead of one who cries every time he leaves.

   Just learned the hard way not to scream hi to my friend jack on a plane.

   I hate it when someone I don't like says something funny.

   The hardest thing in life is letting go of what you thought was real.

   ► Play the moments ▌▌ Pause the memories ■ Stop the pain ◄◄ Rewind the happiness. Be a remote in your life

   Having kids is like a never-ending press conference: "No, you can't put the dog in the washer - next." "No, you can't really fly - next."

   What's all this about Lebron being a Weiner?

   Apparently, people go to "sex rehab" because there isn't a "got busted being stupid" rehab!

   Just had 2 thoughts during my massage. 1.I hope my body is not in an odd position when I die. 2.I don't think I've ever seen a live otter."

   The paper shredder will shred Pop-Tarts! I repeat: THE PAPER SHREDDER WILL SHRED POP TARTS!

   When a waitress says, "Let me know if you need anything else." I gaze into her eyes and say, "Just someone who will listen."

   would like to fill a Pinata full of puke and break it over the collective heads of the Jonas Brothers

   Congressman Anthony Weiner just announced he will run for President and has selected Attorney General Eric Holder as his Vice-Presidential running mate. "Weiner-Holder in 2012."

   I hate when I get invited to weird events on Facebook. For the fifth time, I do not want to go to your cat's birthday party damnit. I told you my dog is getting married... Geesch~

   It's Facebook that made me realize that I 'Like' so many things.