Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   morning radio shows exist to read the internet to old folks.

   Perfect example of living life to the fullest kids...... RIP Ryan Dunn, jackass.

   RIP Ryan Dunn. I'd like to think you entered the afterlife being slingshot in a wheelbarrow.

   Dear Children, When you look in your closet, what exactly are you planning to do when you find me? Sincerely, The Monster.

   The Windows Update reminder to restart your computer is like a little kid. You tell it that you'll restart later, so it goes away, then it pops up again in two minutes and says "Ok, it's later!"

   Well... this work isn't going to stare at itself...

   You'd be surprised at all of the "that's what she said" jokes you can make if you watch 5 minutes of a little kids show.

   If you ever think your invention idea is stupid and won't make money, simply remember how many people bought a Snuggie.

   R.I.P Ryan Dunn you will forever be remembered, as the guy who stuck a hot wheels up his ass on jackass

   Just reminding everyone that it's Monday, just in case any of you were feeling overly optimistic.

   wondering if its ok to change the name of the event "naming ceremony" of a child to a "Product Launch"

   The moment you say you are too good for someone is the moment they know the reverse is actually true.

   I was just looking through my spam email when I saw this advert. "Pen1s Enlargement - 80% off". That doesn't sound like an enlargement to me!

   I say "Monday" like "Jerry Seinfeld says "Newman!"

   Ladies, always keep a V-8 in your car in case you're pulled over so you can pour it over your crotch & say "I need a tampon please let me go."

   You should worry less about hurting me and more about how you're hurting yourself by missing out on me.

   Oh, I'm just a social drinker. Every time someone says, 'I'll have a drink', I say, 'So shall I !

   Yep, I didn't get any unwanted fathers day cards yesterday!!!! HAPPY MONDAY :D

   Good Morning America challenged everyone to remove any article of clothing they were wearing that wasn't made in America. I was shocked by the results, but not as shocked as the people standing around me in Best Buy.

   . You know you're a dad when you get a certified letter in the mail asking you to be a guest on the Maury Povich Show.