Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   For all of you Dads out there who went out for milk, and actually came back home -- HAPPY FATHER'S DAY......

   If you added up all the time you waste on Facebook, think how much TV you could watch.

   a member of a LYNCH CLUB. Kind of like a LYNCH MOB but we're not like them.

   I can never forgive John Madden for making Frank Caliendo's career possible.

   I need my own personal black guy to blame stuff on.

   Speaking of Fathers Day... The one thing you never wanna hear when your father catches you watching porn is... "Scoot over."

   Everything is always funnier when you aren't allowed to laugh.

   Nowadays, Father's Day is a good day to thank Dad for not running away from home.

   Father's Day always worries me. I'm afraid I'll get a gift I can't afford.

   Doing the Jerk....its a dance...To be honest I could jerk it all day...And I dont ever see myself gettin tired doin it...And its a good workout too..I mean my arm is already gettin tired...And I only been jerking for a couple of mins now..I love dancing

   Just wrote a new song "I Can't Get Over a Girl Like You So Get Up and Answer The Phone Yourself"

   no mere mortal can resist The evil of the thriller!!!! I'm thinking it is a klondike bar.

   How good something is has no bearing on how popular it will become.

   To all the women I've dated. If we have a secret love child together that you never told me about, just have them get me a giftcard for Father's Day. Thanks!

   Beer, you and me. In the kitchen. Now.

   Obama is not a brown-skinned anti-war socialist who gives away free healthcare. You're thinking of Jesus

   I've just started a band called 999 Megabytes. We haven't done a gig yet

   To all those that use our competitors brand...Happy Father's Day From the people of Durex

   ♫ If you're crazy and you know it take your pills! ♫ *clap…clap*

   Dear guys that keep sending me creepy messages telling me how much you want me: You have as much of a chance with me as a midget does of being the next NBA superstar.