Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I bet the origin to the phrase, "When the sh!t hits the fan," is one heck of a story.

   Pshhhh I did not fall… The floor looked at me funny so I used my mad ninja skills to attack

   I've never seen Scarface, but I have quoted the "little friend" line at some really inappropriate times.

   When someone tells me smoking is harmful, I throw my cigarette down and say "Serious? There, I've just quit! Quick let's go warn the others!

   All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening

   If you have something to say raise your hand, and put it over your mouth.

   A beer lover is born with a beer compass within. He always knows where to find it!

   what do you call a Chinese man with a camera?....... Phil Ming

   What do you call a group of chickens? A bucket

   i do not always use internet explorer but when I do, its to download a new web browser

   My neighbor must have not paid her internet bill. I can't get on the internet.

   Just Because You Know My Name Doesn't Mean You KNOW Me

   Girls are not toys. You cant pick them up and drop them whenever you want.

   I have more friends on Facebook then I do for real

   People have champagne taste with a beer budget in a materialistic world...

   If I started feeding our pig sugar now. Would I have to make the glaze later or would it come built in?

   Typical Saturday Morning: Who's bed is this and where are my pants?

   in the worst pain I've ever been in!! Hit a dry spot on a Slip n' Slide.

   Anyone who says having a child is the best moment of their life has obviously never had two kit-kats fall out of a vending machine at once

   A friend will calm you down when you are angry. A best friend will skip beside you with a bat singing, "Someones gonna get it"