Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have a doctor's note to excuse the rotten stench I leave in people's bathrooms.

   I only speak to telemarketers when they refer to me as 'Your Highness' and if they keep taking off a piece of clothing every 30 seconds.

   My car smells like if you were somehow able to get inside a potato.

   Rain, and gloom every day......like Forks, but no hot vampires

   So if Justin Bieber has his own cologne...I def think its about time I came up with one of my own..Not sure what too call it tho..They say you should name it after things you like..So I am really leaning toward naming it "Ode to BoobiesVajayjayNinjaFight"

   I think there is something fishy about the fact that you can't access your cell phone battery anymore

   Before You go out with a widow, you must first ask her what killed the husband.

   I got so drunk last night I though a tube of toothpaste was astronaut food.

   I saw a sign on the door of a Wal-Mart that said “It is illegal to set off fireworks inside the building.” I really wish I had been there on the day they decided it was necessary to post that.

   Women....... Can't live with them, can't get them to dress up in a Nazi uniform and spank you with a Bible.

   Definition of a guy who knows nothing about women: A guy who thinks PMS is that american tv channel that shows like Nova and Antiques Roadshow come on.

   What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians? A drummer.

   When I see an argument on Facebook, I sit there refreshing the page while thinking to myself, "This is gonna be good!"

   I can't stop drinking about you.

   I just saw a dude put sunscreen on his back by squirting it on a wall and backing into it.

   My girlfriend needs to start putting her cell phone and keys right next to all the things I've done wrong that she will never forget.

   I want that job where you push scared skydivers out of planes.

   People who describe things as "better than sex" are having the wrong kind of sex.

   If the caller I.D. reads "unavailable" then so am I.

   Getting sex from my gf is easy....I just have to buy her stuff..!!!