Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Famous Marilyn Monroe dress sold for $4.6 million. I bet Joe DiMaggio sent more shots against that dress than the wall at Yankee Stadium!

   She asked me to make her feel special so I gave her a helmet and crayons.

   first day of summer and longest day of the year. Will this day ever end!

   I hate when you play Call of Duty before bed and then you toss and turn all night dreaming about playing. I was so tired this morning that I thought I needed a Claymore by the bathroom door when getting into the shower.

   My Life: Find out who's looking for you online for free! Ummm...guess they haven't heard of FB?

   It's funny how people start paying attention to you when start giving them the silence treatment.

   I have an irrational fear of parking by a dumpster at night because I think a gorilla will jump out of it.

   If I were a Miss USA contestant, my go-to answer in the Q&A segment would be "Who cares? Did you see my rack and smile combo?"

   When I was little, I used to sing in the shower. Now, I make life decisions in there

   a smile is a sign of joy, a hug is a sign of love, a laugh is a sign of happiness and a friend like me...well...that's a sign of good taste.

   The three KINGS that bring joy and hapiness to my life: Smo-King, Drin-King & Fuc-King

   Saw the Goodyear blimp today. It read "ICE CUBE NO LONGER EVEN REMOTELY A PIMP".

   this update is brought to you by, The Retirement Planning & Consultants of Fishmore & Dolittle.

   you know the recession is bad when wives are having sex with their husbands cause they can't afford batteries.

   Thanks to Bo-flex, I've gone from 'obese' to 'prefer not to say' on my plenty of fish account!

   Proof of insurance Officer? Of course didn't you see my two State Farm stickers on my bumper?

   My next house will have no kitchen—just vending machines and a large trash can.

   I wish I had a fly swatter with me, when I sit next to people who dont cover their mouth when they yawn or cough.

   When I was little, I used to watch the raindrops roll down the window and see which one "won"

   It's not officially summer until you start forgetting what day of the week it is.