Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally, I'm not looking to develop a heart problem.

   whenever someone annoying starts talking to me, I immediately start looking for an "X" I can click on them to make them go away.

   Gotta keep things interesting. I can turn doing laundry into a scene from an Indiana Jones movie.

   There are tons of open seats, so why does the one next to me always look so inviting to really weird people?

   I'm going to change my name on facebook to 'NOBODY' so that anytime I see any boring status I will 'LIKE' it. It'll say 'NOBODY LIKES THIS'

   I guess I'll pick up my dog's poop this time since you're having a yardsale and all.

   the best sort of perfection in life, funnily enough, comes in the form of imperfection!

   Okay, technology is getting out of hand for me. I was looking through a pair binochulars this morning and when I finished I looked for the button to turn them off.

   If you say your grandpa is looking down at you and smiling I'm just going to assume you also have one of those mean drunken roof grandpas.

   Not sure what's going on. C-3PO and R2-D2 just abruptly took off in a cruiser and said they were headed to New York.

   What do you call a woman who doesn't think she belongs in the kitchen? Divorced.

   My wife says "Its uncomfortable going to the new OB. My legs are wide open 3 min after we meet." I said, So do 99% of the girls on Craigslist.

   The only people happier than NY gays tonight are NY divorce lawyers..........

   Yay NY!!! Now, if the gays could only legally smoke pot at their wedding...

   If Facebook would have been a college...i would have got a certificate for full attendance

   Someday I hope to solve one of the great mysteries of life, like where do socks go when you put them into the dryer?

   rumors ? oh wellll ; at least you're spreading something else besides your legs.

   People who dream big sleep a lot.

   No one can change a person, but someone can be a person`s reason to change

   Apparently you shouldn't ever answer a girl's text message with “k.” Bad idea.