Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can't believe the plural of moose isn't meese

   To do list: 1. Poop. 2. I can't do anything until I poop.

   Remember when Clinton was in office? Man those were the days huh?

   My girl is sweet...I am now a member of her BENEFITS program...!!!!

   If their called smart phones, why is it that only idiots use them?

   Drivin around town with Cee lo's girl. Go ahead and write another stupid @ss song about it.

   I have had PMS for the past two days. "Parked Motorcycle Syndrome". It's a nice cool night, time for a midnight ride.

   My EX was like "We can still be friends" damn is like saying "Hey, the gold fish died but we can keep it"

   Ohhhh noooo, I have to wake up 4am to work. Damn minimum wage

   "I don't regret destroying my earlobes with giant discs one bit!" - Every retard who has done so 5-10 years from now.

   No one ever says, “It's only a game,” when their team is winning.

   it's not that I'm bad at remembering names, I'm just awesome at forgetting some of them.

   Have you ever done something so stupid that you blamed it on being drunk when you were totally sober just so you looked like less of a dumb ass.

   A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic.

   The fact is, whatever you do, good or bad, people will always have something negative to say...

   Just clicked a link that promised to show, "the world's largest breasts."... It was just a picture of Michael Moore taking his shirt off.

   Never realized how annoying some people can be. Then you opened my eyes.

   Whats the point of making cars really really fast if there is a speed limit? like, REALLY, WHATS THE POINT?!?!?!

   I hate going to a restaurant and my girlfriend orders food and ends up picking out of my plate.

   Does homeowner's insurance cover Kool-Aid Man damage?