Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if you have ever pushed a door that said pull .

   has decided the best response to "Suck it" is hereby known as "Sorry, I'm not allowed to put small things in my mouth!"

   how come when we talk to God we are praying...when God talks to us we are schizophrenic

   some days 25 to life just seems like it would be worth it!!!!!

   Contact your local cable provider and ask them for ESPN 8 "The Ocho" If it's almost a sport, it's on "The Ocho!"

   I found a pillbug. He curled into a ball. That's how he rolls.

   Pet Peeve #5742....It annoys me when people text me and I respond and then all of a sudden it stops in mid-text like your stopping in mid conversation...and then I patiently wait and nothing... it drives me crazy...finish your text or dont text me at all!

   Facebook makes me nosey =)

   The TSA found what they where looking for in that 95 year old's diaper. Their brains.

   I have come to the conclusion that Google must be female, as she has the answer to everything and Yahoo is a Male , pointless and never works ..

   ▶Music♩♪♫♬ Volume: ▁ ▂ ▃ ▄ ▅ ▆ █ 100 %

   hand over the casey anthony case to law and order svu...they have it solve in a hour

   I got gas today for $2.45 to bad it was from taco bell

   The end of every episode of "Man vs. Food" turns into "Man vs. Toilet."

   Did you eat a bowl of frosted flakes this morning ? Cause you look GRRRREEAATT

   I'm going to start telling people I don't drink. Because I don't think a few beers once a week really counts. I'm not always a Hypocrite....but when I am.....I prefer to contradict myself with Dos Equis. Stay thirsty my friends

   ‎"No diet will remove all the fat from your body, because the brain is entirely fat. Without a brain, you might look good, but all you could do is run for public office."

   "Sorry user has too many friend requests" - every stalker's frustration!

   If a police ever stops me and says "papers" and I say "scissors" do I win?

   Law of Reverse Dynamics: When a man becomes rich, he becomes naughty When a woman becomes naughty, she becomes rich.