Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'd rather hear a dry fart from a wet dog than hear another one of your boring stories

   Cant wait to see CBS new show this fall :: Celebrity maids:: women compete to be Arnold's new maid..

   My name is I, My problem is LOVE, The solution is YOU.

   in a arguement yelling is the next best thing to being right

   Oh you hate your job? Theres a support group for that, its called everybody. They meet at the bar.

   nice guys finish last, and bring you breakfast in bed.

   available for rebound sex.

   Looking for a new job. One that I can sit at a long table, take off my glasses, and say "If your calculations are correct...my God have mercy on our souls" Pay negotiable

   I suffer from schizophrenia. (I really don't.) Do. (Don't.) Do. (Don't!) Do! (Shut up!) NO, YOU SHUT UP! (Poo Poo head) THATS IT! (what?) I hate you. (i know)

   #ThoughtsWhileLosingVirginity.........."So this is what all the hype is about huh"

   If there was some kind of memory disease, I would be on stage 10

   Here is a episode for mythbusters------do fat chicks really give better head

   I saw on the television today that Huggies diaper's have come out with a new Levi design.What's next, bib-overall depend's for grandpa?....

   Cheese Doritos are like cheese covered razors if you chew a moth full to fast

   I'm sad my kids have left to Summer Camp for 2 weeks. I no longer have an excuse to watch iCarly while they're gone...

   My mom says you are what you eat. That's funny, because I haven't eaten any sexy beasts recently. ;)

   I'm not sayin you are stupid, I just said that you have bad luck when you're thinking.

   My day is not complete until I get someone to shake their head.

   My girlfriend loves it when I talk dirty to her during sex. I'm pissed off at her though, so tonight when we make love I'm going to tell her how beautiful she is.

   I just got diagnosed with a very rare disease. "The more I get older, the sexier and better looking I become". Don't worry, it's not contagious. There's no cure for it and it just gets worst everyday...