Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you hit your girlfriend's best friend with a car, apparently, "I banged your best friend" is the wrong way to inform her.

   Had to have "the sex talk" with my 10 yr old. He was a little overwhelmed so I left out the part about golden showers and donkey punches.

   You ever notice how most Ford vehicle names are more fun when you put "anal" in front of them? Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger, Focus...

   Look darling. I know I'm not the best looking guy in the world nor the richest or the smartest but to be brutally honest, I don't see anyone else stalking you.

   never wants to go to bed, yet I never want to wake up in the morning. Why can't my "late night" self make some kind of compromise with my "early morning have-to-go-to work" self?

   I wish I had sex as often as I get screwed.

   The difference between a good night and a great night is waking up nude.

   I judge you by what's behind you in your photos.

   Facebook: a place where people announce their problems to the world but not to the person they have a problem with.

   Almost 7 billion people on the planet and I find about 10 of them somewhat tolerable once in a while.

   I'm having one of those 'wish I lived in Amsterdam' kinda days.

   Middle finger up... Cause I dont give a fu**!

   geez, I'm guessing from all the depressing posts on FB that it's "that time of the month"

   The words "Haters" and "Swag" are overused by the people who have neither.

   BREAKING: Reality TV star Rod Blagojevich to move from NBC's 'Celebrity Apprentice' to MSNBC's 'Lockdown'.........

   In the show "Get Out," you will see destinations you'll never go to hosted by women who will never sleep with you... in HD.

   ran 2.7 miles today. apparently the ice cream truck doesnt have rear view mirrors.

   I asked my gf to record the game on ESPN, which she did, but not ESPN-HD. And then she says, 'Well, at least you still get to watch it.' Oh yeah, I pay extra money so I can watch TV like poor people. I don't even feel bad for cheating on you this weekend.

   Recently started flat ironing my ball hair. Come on ladies, you know how it is; if you have curly hair you just want straight hair.

   Will somebody let me borrow their Delorean to travel to friday already!