Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't know if anyone heard about this, but Pope Benedict XVI now has a Twitter account. No surprise his first tweet said "Praise our Lord Jesus Christ." Kinda weird that he added the "lol..."

   BREAKING NEWS!! The Pity Train has just derailed at the intersection of Suck It Up & Move On, and crashed into We All Have Problems, before coming to a complete stop at Get Over It. Any complaints about how we operate, can be forwarded to 1-800-waa-wah wi

   I know what love is..Thats like someone who doesn't love you back is like hugging a damn cactus. The tighter you hold on, the more it hurts.

   Have you ever wondered if the $1 bills in your wallet were ever in a stripper's butt?...bet you're wondering now.

   I hate when people say like, "I gotta get my body right for this summer like exercises and tan." ok fine...like, wtf are you going to do about your damn face???

   Plan A doesn't work in your love life, the alphabet has 25 more letters. Keep calm.

   I like going to McDonald's and asking for an application. Then I crumble it up and yell "HA! Like I'd work here. Get me a chocolate shake."

   Ale-Ale-Andro, Judas, Juda-ah-ah, Pa-Pa-Pa-Pokerface, Te-Te-Te-Telephone... I think lady gaga has a studdering problem.

   Just found out "suns" upside down is still "suns"

   If girls could read my mind, I'd would get punched in the face a lot.

   The Weird moment when somebody is cross-eyed and you dont know which eye to look at.

   MySpace and Facebook got a divorce... Looks like Facebook got custody of all the kids.

   Money can't buy you happiness. But I'd rather be unhappy in a Bentley.

   College was the most expensive nap I ever took.

   there a mouse that doesn't make a clicking noise as I'm trying to close 10 windows when my boss walks into my office?

   Facebook is worth $100 billion. That's just in lost productivity.

   I wish I could talk like fez from the 70 show. "good day, I said good day

   All dogs go to heaven. All cats go to purr-gatory.

   Alcohol may be my worst enemy, but the bible says to love your enemy....

   When Life rains on your parade, get out the Slip-n-Slide