Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Memory you suck at your job, you only work when you want to.

   You know you have Southern Roots, when you try and eat cornbread with your Capt'n Crunch.

   "Hello this is Rachel at card holders services." I wish I knew where she lived cause I would Knock the snot out of her then I would call her 20 times a day and say "Hello this is cyndi with knock the snot out of you services how did it feel."

   Big sunglasses are an ugly girl's best friend.

   Dear McDonald's Cashier, Don't look at me like that. Last time I checked, there was NO age limit on Happy Meals.

   when everything seems overwhelming, I just reassure myself that I will die someday....

   This is 2011. Giving me $10 to cut your grass will get me as far as mowing "F**K YOU" in it.

   I don't know why all these gamers are in the news, moaning about PS3 and now Nintendo being hacked. Back in the day I once hacked my ZX Spectrum, and got infinite lives on Chuckie Egg. It was awesome.

   a ring is round and never ends and that's how long that we'll be friends

   thinks, therefore I am...suffering from a headache!

   aks: Does anyone elses poop turn green after eating Fruit Loops?

   Fungry: The state of being f**king hungry

   Having high standards increases your quality of life and decreases the bullsh*t in your life!

   WARNING::World Health Organization says radiation from cell phones may cause cancer. Please pickup your cell phone and call everyone you know about this!

   Every time I see a "Baby On Board" sign in a car window I wonder why in the hell the baby isn't in a car seat? Isn't a car seat safer than strapping your baby on a board and do you really want to advertise your lack of parenting skills?

   BBC News: Borrowers still struggle to get onto first rung of the housing ladder. I'm not surprised, the poor b-starrds are f-kin tiny.

   Just got robo-call from Paul Revere warning that the redcoats are coming. My, he's changed.

   You can call a girl cute or hot and it's basically the same thing... I have found this rule does not apply to babies.

   According to Sarah PalinUSA a "gotcha question" is any question she cannot answer aka all questions.

   feeling unsatisfied.... Kind of like getting a hand job from someone with no fingers.