Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I swear, it's like I'm creating FB statuses with my brother's kids or somethin'. You nerve-wrackin' sons-a-b!tches.

   (tune of row your boat) Roll roll roll your joint, twist it at the end. Spark it up and take a hit, pass it to a friend!

   Why does a hooker make more money than a drug dealer? She can wash her crack and re-sell it!

   Everybody wear a Facebook t-shirt and FlashMob 8am at MySpace HQ when Tom gets to work. Be there!

   How do you expect kids to listen to their parents when Tarzan lives half naked, Cinderella comes home at midnight, Pinocchio lies all the time, Aladdin is the king of thieves, Batman drives at 200 mph, Sleeping Beauty is lazy,

   When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

   One good way to reduce alcohol consumption, before marriage drink when your sad, after marriage drink when your happy.

   Here's a tip for those that tan: If you end up lookin' like you rolled around in a bunch of Dorito's, you overdid it.

   Three fun thing to do at Walmart: 1. Paint Hitler mustaches on all the smiley faces. 2. Have the manager page Mr. Harry Bawls. 3. Dress in hopes of being photographed for "People of Walmart."

   "Yes" is a perfectly legitimate response when asked how many drinks you've consumed.

   What's with all these Facebook quizzes? Does it look like I give a shlt about what type of chocolate I am?

   So, I'm at the crossroads & Bone Thugs N Harmony is clearly not here... What a waste of time, and gas.

   Im opening up an all female casino... Liquor in the front, Poker in the back.

   If Dr. Seuss were alive today he might write a book about horrible footwear choices and call it Crocs with Socks... and then kill himself.

   The first thing on my to-do list is burning my to-do list.

   I'm so gangsta, I don't even report to Microsoft when Firefox unexpectedly quits. Snitches get Stitches B*tches!

   This Status Update could be yours for six Easy Payments of $19.99

   million dollar Idea! !!..Cologne for your balls that activates at the the drop of a sweat.

   Ladies, there's a BIG difference between make-up and looking like you've been attacked by Crayola.

   If you hit your girlfriend's best friend with a car, apparently, "I banged your best friend" is the wrong way to inform her.