Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You have the perfect face for the radio.

   Dear students, I know when you`re texting. Seriously, no one just looks down at their crotch and smiles. Sincerely, teacher.

   When going commando the the word "hurry" should not even be in your vocabulary.. just sayin.

   You are so selfish! You're going to have that body the rest of your life and I just want it for one damn night!"

   If you didn't hear it with your OWN ears or see it with your OWN eyes, don't go passing it on with your OWN damn mouth!"

   A man's home might be his castle, but his wife is usually the one who rules it.

   The more people I meet, the more I like my damn dog.

   Seriously, there's a fine line between tan and looking liked you rolled around in Doritos.

   Dont wear white shorts and a blue thong and get mad when our eyes lock...thats like sitting at a bar and getting mad when the bartender asks if you want a drink

   it just me or did anyone else notice that Bob Marley never looked like a "Bob."

   thankful that Anthony Weiner's last name wasnt 'Butthole'.

   wondering why I have NEVER seen a pregnant Asian?? Where's all the Most Fruitful Yuki's hidin anyway??

   Got damn shame, the cast of '16 and Pregnant' are the future cast of '32 and Grandparents'

   These kids today need to show a little respect to those of us who fought for, and won the right to party.

   I hear Hillary is standing behind Senator Weiner. I guess if she can stand behind a slick Willey, she can stand behind a Weiner...

   I have never heard the word Weiner said so much on TV before.....it's like an on air sausage-fest.

   I love long, romantic walks to the fridge ♥

   Its all sh!ts and giggles until someone giggles and shi!s!

   8yrs ago my wife decided to keep me when nobody else would. I bet she regrets that at least every other day. I definitely got the better half of the deal. Happy Anniversary Honey. Love you lots. And a special thanks to you, Facebook for reminding me;)

   ladies, is your computer running slow? There's a simple fix: PUT OUT MORE! Your man is downloading too much porn!