Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know you are drunk if you swerve to miss a tree than realize it is the air freshener hangin from your mirror

   God made your butt Crack up and down because if it were sideways when you went down a slide it would sound like this bufufufufufufufuublubufubufbufbufbuf

   It's not that I don't trust you, I just have a strong belief in your ability to f*ck up!

   You are like Monday...nobody likes you!

   Ladies, please for god's sake, there is a big difference between your diary entries and Facebook status updates. We really dont need to be informed about your period, your abortions or that STD you caught over the weekend. Keep that sh*t to yourself.

   60% of women carry condoms. The other 40% carry babies.

   Don't confuse Facebook with your diary. We really don't need to know some of your personal sh*t.

   My lungs and liver are the best of friends when I'm at the bars

   I wish someone would cast Mel Gibson and Tracy Morgan in a buddy action flick about a crime fighting rabbi and a drag queen.

   i still dont know what a holler-back girl is >.<

   When will women ever learn? If I pay all your bills, put a roof over your head, make sure you are well fed and dressed, buy you a car so you can move around, then the term INDEPENDENT WOMAN does not apply to you. I am your majority shareholder.

   Would it kill Barney to just eat a kid every now and then?

   DEAR HATERS, I COULDN'T HELP BUT NOTICE THAT....'awesome' ends with "me"and 'ugly' starts with "u"

   People like to talk about other people....it diverts the attention away from them.

   I have a theory that the chicken crossed the road simply because it wanted to.

   I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet and he sent me a large goat with a long neck. Turns out I phoned Dial-a-Llama

   vacation plans this year include a state wide convienence store hot dog tasting tour this summer

   taking applications and will soon be conducting interviews for anyone that is interested on giving my euology

   your greatest "Hello" and your hardest "Goodbye"

   if you don't stand for something you will fall for anything