Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   the feeling of getting an email with an attachment

   to the guy who keeps posting with such enthusiam about his wife's mum, might be better off spending time looking into your own gene pool first

   I'm watching a special on how William wooed Kate with his cooking skills. Good for him. If I was in his position, my wooing program would only consist of . . . you know I'm going to be king someday."

   Watching depression medication commercials makes me depressed. I'm just glad herpes commercials don't have the same effect.

   Dear CocaCola, McDonalds, and other massive companies, unless you have a new product for me, stop showing me commercials. I didn't forget about you. I have never stood at a vending machine and thought, what's that thing in the red can? I promise."

   99 problems. 99 bottles of beer on the wall. Problems solved.

   After I won my divorce trial I FEDexd my ex-wife's attorney a consolation prize of a broom and a witches hat.

   It bothers me when I see tax money wasted on signs telling deer where to cross the road.

   Can someone text me a donut?

   Love is never wrong...Especially when that love is between two young carefree ladies who have wandering hands and a deep curiosity for experimentation with Coprophagia, a little Cyclic vomiting syndrome and a cup...Yea that's some real love :)

   The worst kind of human contact is "eye contact through that crack in a bathroom stall when you're pulling up your pants" contact.

   Stop chasing him. Stop turn around and see who's chasing you

   i wish I was a white crayon , So no one could use me

   Have you notice "racecar" backwards is a "racecar"

   Its not called HACKED when you use a public library computer to update your Facebook and you forget to log out. Then the next person to use the computer takes the liberty to play around with your profile and wall. Its called being stupid and careless.

   You know you're getting fat when you sit in your bathtub and the water in the toilet rises.

   After months of uninterrupted analysis, I am now prepared to conclude that, indeed, my laundry is not going to fold itself

   Face it, skinny jeans are NOT for everyone.... if you think this message is about you, it probably is

   Man who sinks into woman's arms soon have arms in woman's sink.

   •Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.