Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If a kid refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?

   Dear driver of the car in front of me.... you do not make that amount of effort and beat me off the lights, only to go and drive under the speed limit. You.... are a b!tch

   She wanted us to stop fighting and try to speak the same language... I said Mooooo

   You know that person that complains all year, but on Thanksgiving uses the entire 420 characters in a FB status update about the things they're thankful for? Don't be that person.

   Why is it called a bull riding “accident” when the bull ends up hurting the rider? If someone strapped a rope around my nuts, wanted a piggy back ride, then proceeded to spur my ass, my wanting to f*ck them up would be no accident.

   i can honestly say I have never hated anyone, because that would imply I actually gave a shlt in the first place.

   It's that time to year to find out what your friends with pools have been up to since last summer.

   "Thy will, not my will. Think about the ramifications of those words. Let them sink in...because it will flip your world upside down in the best possible way."

   Morning Glory Evening Grace

   Who stopped payment on my reality check?

   And the person you'd take a bullet for is the one pulling the trigger.

   Sometimes its funny how the person you wana catch the grenade for is the one throwing it at you.

   I hate YHGTBFKM mornings. That's when you wake up, look at your alarm clock, and say "You have got to be f&$king kidding me".

   disappointed to hear that farts do not have lumps as it means I've dirtied my pants

   things you would say to your computer but not to your girlfriend ? - next year I'm getting a new model ..

   I have 100 tabs open on my internet browser and I can't figure out which one the sound is coming from.

   only eats chocolate covered caramel because that's how I Rolo™

   not a Proctologist, but seems to be surrounded by a$$holes today...

   Sometimes I like to go to the hardware store and run around with a screwdriver shouting, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a drill!"

   My girlfriend says she 'feels pregnant' and I am now feeling sick.