Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 4812 of 6446

If a kid refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
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06-29-2011 13:13 by ed status
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Dear driver of the car in front of me.... you do not make that amount of effort and beat me off the lights, only to go and drive under the speed limit. You.... are a b!tch
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06-29-2011 12:57
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She wanted us to stop fighting and try to speak the same language... I said Mooooo

You know that person that complains all year, but on Thanksgiving uses the entire 420 characters in a FB status update about the things they're thankful for? Don't be that person.

Why is it called a bull riding “accident” when the bull ends up hurting the rider? If someone strapped a rope around my nuts, wanted a piggy back ride, then proceeded to spur my ass, my wanting to f*ck them up would be no accident.

i can honestly say I have never hated anyone, because that would imply I actually gave a shlt in the first place.

It's that time to year to find out what your friends with pools have been up to since last summer.

"Thy will, not my will. Think about the ramifications of those words. Let them sink in...because it will flip your world upside down in the best possible way."

Morning Glory Evening Grace
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06-29-2011 11:35
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Who stopped payment on my reality check?
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06-29-2011 11:34 by J. BIAZA
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And the person you'd take a bullet for is the one pulling the trigger.

Sometimes its funny how the person you wana catch the grenade for is the one throwing it at you.

I hate YHGTBFKM mornings. That's when you wake up, look at your alarm clock, and say "You have got to be f&$king kidding me".
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06-29-2011 11:15
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disappointed to hear that farts do not have lumps as it means I've dirtied my pants
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06-29-2011 11:15
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things you would say to your computer but not to your girlfriend ? - next year I'm getting a new model ..
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06-29-2011 11:04
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I have 100 tabs open on my internet browser and I can't figure out which one the sound is coming from.

only eats chocolate covered caramel because that's how I Rolo™
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06-29-2011 09:37 by Griff
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not a Proctologist, but seems to be surrounded by a$$holes today...
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06-29-2011 09:28
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Sometimes I like to go to the hardware store and run around with a screwdriver shouting, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a drill!"
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06-29-2011 09:25 by Griff
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My girlfriend says she 'feels pregnant' and I am now feeling sick.
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06-29-2011 09:20
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