Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nobody's phone is ever off. They're lying.

   LIKE IF: your best friends like your Facebook status because they know the story behind it.

   "What have I done?!! Everybody run!!" -Inventor of the boomerang

   THIS IS CRUEL: 'Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia' is the fear of long words.

   Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an a--hole.

   Have you ever watched a really funny video, shown it to someone else and you keep saying Just wait, it gets funnier?

   When your electronic device is low on batteries, it has enough to remind you every 3 minutes with loud noises and flashy lights.

   The easy way to teach a woman the true value of money is to borrow it from her.

   You're clearly God's gift to women...if God shopped at the dollar store.

   sippin coffee on the porch swing trying to wake up when I catch sight of a wiener dog chasing a pinto car down the road ...today is going to be EPIC!!!

   I've recently found out that I can be a pain in my own ass...

   Just saw a holstein on a church lawn....holy cow!

   Hi, I'm a chick. I like long walks around football stadiums, am interested in sexist jokes about my own gender, and I'm strongly talented in the art of shutting up. Unfortunately, I'm the only one...

   Why can't they shoot porn in HD 3D?

   Remember the olden days when girls who didn't have titties would just wear shirts that show off their bellybutton. "i got no boobs but I got a bellybutton!"

   In life you've got to learn to take your time with things. That's why I went to the first grade twice.

   You know you're drunk when you're at the bar. And everytime you're trying to find the bathroom feels like the first time you tried to find the bathroom

   say NO hickeys .

   I hate a liar more than a thief, a thiefs only after my salary. A liars after my reality.

   Quick...I am a nervous wreck, hand me a brush and let me paint a Bob Ross Happy Tree!!