Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 4811 of 6446

I'm not saying your kid is ugly.... I'm just saying you don't have to worry about pedophiles!!!
←Rate |
06-29-2011 20:20
Comments (0)

I love to stand in line at ATM machines, and when people put in their PIN, I yell "GOT IT" then run away!!!
←Rate |
06-29-2011 20:20
Comments (0)

left a few lines of baby powder on my co-worker's desk. came back and there was a dollar bill rolled up.
←Rate |
06-29-2011 19:12
Comments (0)

Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea... if you add commas.

M.C. Hammer should be a security guard at an art museum.

If you turn down the car radio, hang up the cell phone and remove you head from your ass you might just notice the emergence vehicle with it's emergency lights flashing and siren blaring trying to get a destination that's more important than yours.
←Rate |
06-29-2011 18:04 by ff1241
Comments (0)

There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.
←Rate |
06-29-2011 17:44 by flinnie
Comments (0)

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
←Rate |
06-29-2011 17:43 by flinnie
Comments (0)

God protect me from my friends, my enemies I can handle on my own
←Rate |
06-29-2011 17:31
Comments (0)

NO alcohol...NO fun. KNOW alcohol...KNOW fun!
←Rate |
06-29-2011 17:20 by Ryan D
Comments (0)

I just unlocked the "Restraining Order" badge by stalking people who use 4square.

I want to wear a "One in the Oven" shirt backwards... so the arrow points to my ass.

Chris Hansen has been caught cheating on his wife, it's a good thing she wasn't underage or that would've been awkward.

If you send me a friend request and your profile picture is a car, I will assume your a transformer
←Rate |
06-29-2011 15:42
Comments (3)

I have been misled. Life is not a box of Chocolates. It's a tin of mixed nuts at best.
←Rate |
06-29-2011 15:14
Comments (0)

Lindsay Lohan has been released, so hide your jewelry....
←Rate |
06-29-2011 15:08 by Rick H.
Comments (0)

To my son's future girlfriends: If you ever want him to, you know, go down there, then just shave it into a dinosaur shape. That's how we got him to eat chicken.

♫ “The best part of waking up…. is not dying in your sleep!” ♫

Before you get into a fist fight look the other person in the eye and calmly say "I have enough money to bail myself out of jail. Do you?"

Gotta love Facebook... I haven't had this much fun writing on walls since I was 6.