Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   hand over the casey anthony case to law and order svu...they have it solve in a hour

   I got gas today for $2.45 to bad it was from taco bell

   The end of every episode of "Man vs. Food" turns into "Man vs. Toilet."

   Did you eat a bowl of frosted flakes this morning ? Cause you look GRRRREEAATT

   I'm going to start telling people I don't drink. Because I don't think a few beers once a week really counts. I'm not always a Hypocrite....but when I am.....I prefer to contradict myself with Dos Equis. Stay thirsty my friends

   ‎"No diet will remove all the fat from your body, because the brain is entirely fat. Without a brain, you might look good, but all you could do is run for public office."

   "Sorry user has too many friend requests" - every stalker's frustration!

   If a police ever stops me and says "papers" and I say "scissors" do I win?

   Law of Reverse Dynamics: When a man becomes rich, he becomes naughty When a woman becomes naughty, she becomes rich.

   I'm the Jason Bourne of finding an escape route out of the bar once the lights come on and reveal the creature I've been talking to.

   So you're here reading my status wasting valuable work time or just procrastinating. Don't feel so bad, I procrastinated and then wasted valuable work time writing it.

   The good thing about not drinking is that I remember everything, and the bad thing about not drinking is that I remember everything.

   If you get a booty call at 3AM.…. You probably weren't first on the list.

   Time for my weekly game of let's-see-how-long-I-can-drive-with-my-gas-light-on.

   Not even Clint Eastwood could make a Segway cop look bad a$$.

   I was living with a girl for a while. We worried about different things. One day, I was like, What do you fear the most? And she was like I fear youll meet someone else and youll leave me and I'll be all alone. And she was like what do you fear? Bears

   They should invent a snooze button that hits back.

   I am still disappointed that I was not nominated for a BET award.

   Its up to you if you want to sneak your IPod into a meeting. Just don't do an air drum solo. It gives you away.

   Nobody's phone is ever off. They're lying.