Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm not saying your kid is ugly.... I'm just saying you don't have to worry about pedophiles!!!

   I love to stand in line at ATM machines, and when people put in their PIN, I yell "GOT IT" then run away!!!

   left a few lines of baby powder on my co-worker's desk. came back and there was a dollar bill rolled up.

   Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea... if you add commas.

   M.C. Hammer should be a security guard at an art museum.

   If you turn down the car radio, hang up the cell phone and remove you head from your ass you might just notice the emergence vehicle with it's emergency lights flashing and siren blaring trying to get a destination that's more important than yours.

   There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.

   After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

   God protect me from my friends, my enemies I can handle on my own

   NO alcohol...NO fun. KNOW alcohol...KNOW fun!

   I just unlocked the "Restraining Order" badge by stalking people who use 4square.

   I want to wear a "One in the Oven" shirt backwards... so the arrow points to my ass.

   Chris Hansen has been caught cheating on his wife, it's a good thing she wasn't underage or that would've been awkward.

   If you send me a friend request and your profile picture is a car, I will assume your a transformer

   I have been misled. Life is not a box of Chocolates. It's a tin of mixed nuts at best.

   Lindsay Lohan has been released, so hide your jewelry....

   To my son's future girlfriends: If you ever want him to, you know, go down there, then just shave it into a dinosaur shape. That's how we got him to eat chicken.

   ♫ “The best part of waking up…. is not dying in your sleep!” ♫

   Before you get into a fist fight look the other person in the eye and calmly say "I have enough money to bail myself out of jail. Do you?"

   Gotta love Facebook... I haven't had this much fun writing on walls since I was 6.