Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A beer bottle may not be shaped like a Boomerang but it still comes back to me every weekend :-D ;-) :-)

   You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on

   My body is not a temple…it's a distillery with legs.

   facebook should have a 'I AM ON THE RAG' notification for women

   Who needs soap operas, talk shows, reality tv, newspapers, and books when there is Facebook!

   The reality is that if you have a job that requires a name tag, I'll never give a crap what your name is

   I never feel as much panic as I do when the cashier asks me if I have their member card yet.

   My life must be a circus. My family expects me to jump through hoops, the people I work with are clowns, I'm juggling career and personal life, and the whole darn thing is a balancing act!

   you would think Mrs Brady would have got her crabs from Sam The Butcher...

   Just once in my life I'd like to see a liars pants actually catch on damn fire...

   I understand I only pay $50 a month, but think you can "BOOST" my signal so I can get service

   Shutting down the computer and realizing you need it again -_-

   got gas earlier for $1.39!!! Too bad it was from Taco Bell...

   Dear god I love you and always will..but can you explain one thing to me :::: Mosquitos ...WHY..???

   getting d̶r̶u̶n̶k̶ deliciously enlightened

   just finished a trip down memory lane.. amnesia never sounded so good

   HAPPY CANADA DAY! It's like the 4th of July but with real beer!

   Google+ is going to Myspace facebook... Yes, I used Myspace as a verb.

   remembering when it was cool to date a cheerleader.. now i`m 30 and it`s creepy?

   will you please tell your kid to stop looking under my car for the head.. for the last time its not a Transformer