Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Its not that I am rude or anything, but what do you expect when you ask me dumbass questions?

   I can't believe someone actually went through all the trouble to create a fake Facebook profile, complete with fake photos, fake friends and fake status updates just so they could befriend and stalk me. I don't know whether to feel honored or terrifie

   No matter how many times I watch Transformers, I always want Megan Fox to survive.

   MEN are like BLUETOOTH. When they are with You, they are connected. When they are not with you, they are searching for other devices to connect to.

   what's with women who include their kids in their photo albums for online dating profile? What message are you trying to send? 2 for the price of one?

   If I die young: Put me down as courteous enough not to overstay my welcome.

   Wondering how many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didnt hear what they said?

   Don't know if anyone heard about this, but Pope Benedict XVI now has a Twitter account. No surprise his first tweet said "Praise our Lord Jesus Christ." Kinda weird that he added the "lol..."

   BREAKING NEWS!! The Pity Train has just derailed at the intersection of Suck It Up & Move On, and crashed into We All Have Problems, before coming to a complete stop at Get Over It. Any complaints about how we operate, can be forwarded to 1-800-waa-wah wi

   I know what love is..Thats like someone who doesn't love you back is like hugging a damn cactus. The tighter you hold on, the more it hurts.

   Have you ever wondered if the $1 bills in your wallet were ever in a stripper's butt?...bet you're wondering now.

   I hate when people say like, "I gotta get my body right for this summer like exercises and tan." ok fine...like, wtf are you going to do about your damn face???

   Plan A doesn't work in your love life, the alphabet has 25 more letters. Keep calm.

   I like going to McDonald's and asking for an application. Then I crumble it up and yell "HA! Like I'd work here. Get me a chocolate shake."

   Ale-Ale-Andro, Judas, Juda-ah-ah, Pa-Pa-Pa-Pokerface, Te-Te-Te-Telephone... I think lady gaga has a studdering problem.

   Just found out "suns" upside down is still "suns"

   If girls could read my mind, I'd would get punched in the face a lot.

   The Weird moment when somebody is cross-eyed and you dont know which eye to look at.

   MySpace and Facebook got a divorce... Looks like Facebook got custody of all the kids.

   Money can't buy you happiness. But I'd rather be unhappy in a Bentley.