Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   you know you are the luckiest person when ur on the beach in the middle of 10's of people and a Pigeon decides to send you regards from above.

   When I fall down a public venue, "Did anyone see me" totally outranks "Am I ok" on the thought process.

   I would watch NASCAR if the drivers had had as much to drink as the fans.

   Next time your in a car with someone who doesnt like your driving, wait till they're quiet and swerve on the road, then just normally say, "Ah, stupid ghost cars.."

   If your ship has sailed, chase that damn thing down!

   Definition of the word f**ked: When a man has a truck payment, a house payment, a wife, AND girlfriend...... And they're all a month late.

   If we are what we eat... I'm fast, cheap and easy.

   Life makes you wise and Bud makes you weiser.

   I lost my second job, but I'm glad she moved out.

   I hate when people can't be original when they post a status. They find something funny and clever then pass it off as their own. Copy/paste this status if you believe in originality.

   Just saw Transformers.... Greatest Transformer movie ever. I thought the lack of any actual Transformers was a bit odd, but Jim Carrey was hilarious & those penguins were adorable!

   I needed to find a donut shop. I didn't want to attempt to start up the GPS on my phone while driving. I followed a cop. It took 4 minutes.

   now friends with the man on the moon,and 10 other supernatural beings.

   HELP! I am a man trapped in a womans body! So does anybody know how to get out of position number 47 of the Kama-Sutra?

   Dear haters, I'm not your enemy. I'm your hero.

   Wore a leisure suit to work and didn't get a thing done.

   You really do need to quite teasing my with these pokes

   Please put this on your status if you know someone or are related to someone who suffers from stupidity. People need to understand that stupidity is real & should be taken seriously. You could be sitting next to a sufferer right now.

   Every man is a damn fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit.

   the next person that tells me they have a 3 day weekend is getting a firework shoved up their poop shoot!