Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   got gas earlier for $1.39!!! Too bad it was from Taco Bell...

   Dear god I love you and always will..but can you explain one thing to me :::: Mosquitos ...WHY..???

   getting d̶r̶u̶n̶k̶ deliciously enlightened

   just finished a trip down memory lane.. amnesia never sounded so good

   HAPPY CANADA DAY! It's like the 4th of July but with real beer!

   Google+ is going to Myspace facebook... Yes, I used Myspace as a verb.

   remembering when it was cool to date a cheerleader.. now i`m 30 and it`s creepy?

   will you please tell your kid to stop looking under my car for the head.. for the last time its not a Transformer

   checked in at The F-in Catalina Wine Mixer.

   While reading graffiti on a bathroom stall, at a truck stop... It dawned on me, rednecks created Twitter years ago!

   I know your in a relationship and I know your with them 24/7, I don't need updates on it reminding me you have a partner and where your at!

   Keep your head up high & your middle finger higher!

   I hate when I don't think of the good stuff to say till after the argument is over

   How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

   Seriously, how can it be considered stealing when my neighbor's WiFi signal was trespassing in MY house? I'm the victim here!

   miss being a kid. No one cared how you dressed, we were all friends, and you could be yourself. When did we turn so judgmental?

   Having great sex after a long dry-spell is like a car accident. The next day you're sore in places you wouldn't think possible.

   If you've never held your baby in the air while your wife tries to squirt breastmilk in its mouth from across the room then you're a failure as a parent..

   The word “but” is a great way to let people know that the first part of your sentence was all a lie.

   that Smurfs movie looks stupid. I just want to see it, just to see how stupid it is."