Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if you're the type of neighbor that likes to scream and yell till 3am, then I'll be the type of neighbor to mow at 6am!

   how do you turn your dishwasher into a bobcat,,, give your wife a shovel

   Like the egg said to the boiling water...It's going to take me a few minutes to get hard, I just got laid last night. Cluck cluck cluck cluck.

   No matter how hot you think you look , a public restroom self taken picture makes you very unattractive.

   Next time a mosquito bites me, I am not going to itch it and give him very low self esteem.

   In the news today: Prince Harry is dating his cousin!! I also would be dammned first before I let anyone else date my cousin if she was that good looking.

   Prince Harry is dating his cousin? Aren't we all "distant cousins" in some sense?

   A beer bottle may not be shaped like a Boomerang but it still comes back to me every weekend :-D ;-) :-)

   You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on

   My body is not a temple…it's a distillery with legs.

   facebook should have a 'I AM ON THE RAG' notification for women

   Who needs soap operas, talk shows, reality tv, newspapers, and books when there is Facebook!

   The reality is that if you have a job that requires a name tag, I'll never give a crap what your name is

   I never feel as much panic as I do when the cashier asks me if I have their member card yet.

   My life must be a circus. My family expects me to jump through hoops, the people I work with are clowns, I'm juggling career and personal life, and the whole darn thing is a balancing act!

   you would think Mrs Brady would have got her crabs from Sam The Butcher...

   Just once in my life I'd like to see a liars pants actually catch on damn fire...

   I understand I only pay $50 a month, but think you can "BOOST" my signal so I can get service

   Shutting down the computer and realizing you need it again -_-

   got gas earlier for $1.39!!! Too bad it was from Taco Bell...