Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey elderly people, nobody takes you seriously until you've put tennis balls on your walker.

   "Delete or block some friends!" The new way to "Quit Facebook Addiction". Ridiculous!

   Alcohol, explosives, rednecks, and cops.......hmmm anyone else feeling a country song coming on???

   If I'm not mistaken, I believe my 6 year-old just tried to choke me by using the Force.

   The prettiest dresses are worn to be taken off

   Transparency: The ability to see within another's heart ... all strengths & weaknesses ... and to accept everything unconditionally.

   This is such a beautiful day... now watch some idiot screw it up!

   So, My girlfriend asked me if I loved Her,..No girl, I only think about you all day, text you whenever I can & Stare at you constently when i'm with you.

   How many BBQ's do I have to get drunk at to prove I love Australia???

   I have to start reading labels, I definitely just covered myself in this girl's shimmering lotion, maybe I thought it said slimming

   I complimented this chick on her dress today but what I really meant was, you have an awesome rack.

   I think I need to lose some weight. I tried to sit up earlier and ended up rocking myself to sleep

   tomorrow the Unites States will be 235 years old......In the south it is also the day the following phrase is repeated more than any other, "HOLD MY BEER, WATCH THIS"

   If you're drinking and driving this weekend don't forget to not text much

   Someone asked me for my email address today, I don't know, I never email myself!!!

   American Patriotism is not defined as the love of our country to the exclusion of all else, it's the love of a country that's great enough to include everything else!

   Ever have one of those days, when you just want to throw a wet cat at someone's face

   I told my wife the succubus did it, she still slaped me..

   firing bottle rockets at blue hairs wearing 4th of July Snuggie's!

   How many BBQ's do I have to get drunk at to prove I love America????