Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I saw 2 people lost in front of the Garmin Store

   Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.

   Most of the time I think i'd be better off talking to a wall other than you

   Laters FB... I'm tired of sharing my opinions And liking everybody's sh!t......and Pokin' folks I hardly even know... Peace Out! I'll do all that sh!t to y'all tomorrow.

   I gave a pint of blood yesterday. I hate mosquito season.

   I just realized I can make 50 funny faces at my boss in less than 30 seconds while the elevator door closes. Anyway, got fired.

   The most impressive thing about marathon runners is how they don't check their phone for 3+ hours.

   the UFOs are trying to look like stars...i am not fooled.

   As I watch this Spider walk across my floor, I wonder if his Spidey senses are telling him, he's f*cked

   I wear my glasses to the liquor store in an effort to appear responsible.

   The sad reality is, after 16 & Pregnant, Teen Mom and Jersey Shore, "Milf-Murder Acquittals" was probably going to be the next MTV hit anyways..

   tiger woods favorite song is "Black and Yellow" cause he is half black and asian

   I don't mind if you play hard to get, as long as you don't play hard to get rid of.

   In hindsight, saying "goochie goochie goo" while tickling my girlfriend's clitoris was probably a bad idea.

   This morning a girl on my friends list wrote as her Facebook status "F*CKING PHONE!!!" I'll admit now that asking "Can I watch?" was not really my smartest choice.

   How many blondes does it take to change a diaper? I don't f*ckin' know ask Hugh Hefner

   I heard they're going to be opening up dentist offices in Walmart. They are even including an express lane for people with 15 teeth or less!

   Sometimes it takes a friend to tell you to get your head out of your ass, here's to you my friend!

   My colleague just told me that her grandmother or cat or something just died... the booger in her nose was so huge I couldn't focus.

   I just saw a woman in a pair of Daisy Dukes. Unfortunately, she looked like Boss Hogg.