Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   HELP! I am a man trapped in a womans body! So does anybody know how to get out of position number 47 of the Kama-Sutra?

   Dear haters, I'm not your enemy. I'm your hero.

   Wore a leisure suit to work and didn't get a thing done.

   You really do need to quite teasing my with these pokes

   Please put this on your status if you know someone or are related to someone who suffers from stupidity. People need to understand that stupidity is real & should be taken seriously. You could be sitting next to a sufferer right now.

   Every man is a damn fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit.

   the next person that tells me they have a 3 day weekend is getting a firework shoved up their poop shoot!

   Anger is an emotion for people who wish to control others while simultaneously failing to control themselves.

   How you douche bags feel knowing you're disposable ?

   Hey brain, tell the idiot that Carona is not a screw top!! Signed, the skin between the thumb and fore finger.

   Dear Facebook. My friends know when I change my profile picture.. Signed, Everyone on the planet

   in the $2 shop the other day and the checkout girl called for a price check on an item without a price sticker !

   i wonder if bus drivers stop at bus stops when they drive their own cars??

   Happy 235th to United States and happy 12th or whatever to Alaska and Hawaii.

   I only do things the voices in my wife's head tell her to tell me to do.

   NO Katy Perry, I have NEVER felt like a plastic bag!

   In the car: Are we insane yet? Are we insane yet? ....

   Planking: Pretending to be a beached whale in places you wouldn't find a beached whale

   I don't care what people think of me. It can't be half as bad as what I think of them...

   Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.