Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There are no automatic doors. Just gentlemen ninjas.

   If you look at life like a piano where the white keys represent happiness & the black keys represent sadness. As life goes on you realize the black keys make music too...d;^)

   You know you drank too much last night when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator.

   Hear about Sarah Palin and Michelle Obama posing nude for magazines lately? Yeah Sarah Palin was seen in playboy and Michelle Obama was discovered in National Geographics!!

   My wife told me " it would be nice if you loaded the dishwasher once in a while after we eat." So after dinner tonight I'm going to buy her a 5th of jack.

   Tip to reduce weight: Turn your head to the left now turn it to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.

   You are proudly invited to my BBQ party on the 4th where a large gathering of people will proudly display their dependance of alcohol on independence day!

   you know you are the luckiest person when ur on the beach in the middle of 10's of people and a Pigeon decides to send you regards from above.

   When I fall down a public venue, "Did anyone see me" totally outranks "Am I ok" on the thought process.

   I would watch NASCAR if the drivers had had as much to drink as the fans.

   Next time your in a car with someone who doesnt like your driving, wait till they're quiet and swerve on the road, then just normally say, "Ah, stupid ghost cars.."

   If your ship has sailed, chase that damn thing down!

   Definition of the word f**ked: When a man has a truck payment, a house payment, a wife, AND girlfriend...... And they're all a month late.

   If we are what we eat... I'm fast, cheap and easy.

   Life makes you wise and Bud makes you weiser.

   I lost my second job, but I'm glad she moved out.

   I hate when people can't be original when they post a status. They find something funny and clever then pass it off as their own. Copy/paste this status if you believe in originality.

   Just saw Transformers.... Greatest Transformer movie ever. I thought the lack of any actual Transformers was a bit odd, but Jim Carrey was hilarious & those penguins were adorable!

   I needed to find a donut shop. I didn't want to attempt to start up the GPS on my phone while driving. I followed a cop. It took 4 minutes.

   now friends with the man on the moon,and 10 other supernatural beings.