Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   DUDE I WASN'T THAT DRUNK! Dude, you were shaking pineapples yelling "Spongebob, I know you're in there!"

   oh mr bean burrito, why do you hate me so?

   I like watching hoarders...it makes my house look clean

   Constitution signed [X] Morons taking over and ruining it [X] ... We gotta fix this country.

   "I wasn't that Drunk.." "Dude, you threw a bird at the police and screamed go angry bird kill those pigs!"

   We used to be the same person... Who tho hell are you?

   The two favorite buttons I LOVE on Facebook: "Hide all posts from this person" and "Hide friend request".

   Okay, I haven't seen a damn spider around here in like three days...What the hell are they planning??

   Because of the poor economy, we couldn't afford fireworks.  The only snap, crackle, and pop at our house yesterday was when I poured milk on a bowl of Rice Krispies.

   In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is damn bacteria.

   Let the fireworks begin!!!

   Microwave popcorn...my own personal fireworks noise.

   I want to go to prison....I hear the exercise program there is AWESOME!!!

   The reason Rump Roast is called Rump Roast because nobody would eat it if it was called Cow Ass

   I don't always watch porn... but when I do... I prefer Tres Equis... Stay horny my friends...

   I couldnt find the thingy that peels the carrots & potatoes, so I asked the kids if they had saw it & apparently, she left me yesterday?!

   I miss the 80's. The temperatures, not the decade.

   never seen a tombstone that read: "Died from not forwarding that text to ten friends."

   You can't be hot when you're asleep, especially when you're in a deep sleeping having a dream about making love to a Snowman!

   If you eat smores with a knife and fork you have no soul.