Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   worm: sorry I slept in hey where is everyone

   I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.

   Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.

   A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee

   My husband has started pronouncing s’mores like schmores so I guess were at the growing old together stage.

   me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks? wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns

   Me: *panic buying* [Later At Home] Wife: 20 can openers? Wtf? Me: I panicked

   If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.

   Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat* Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to…. Me: Shat.

   I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to

   therapist: and what motivation will we use ? me: hate fueled spite ? therapist: no

   If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.

   Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?

   What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school

   * I hear that he has the fire department on standby at his speeches in case his pants catch fire.

   I just burnt 330 calories in about 30 minutes. And thats the last time I look at facebook with a pizza in the oven!

   When can I start eating bats again.

   I imagine by now a lot of husbands are willing to build that She Shed.

   Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.

   Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.