Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The neighbor is having an open home How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?

   My wife felt me because I’m dyslexic.

   "FOUR MORE EARS! FOUR MORE EARS! FOUR MORE EARS!" --Me eating an insane amount of corn

   I do crunches twice a day now. Captain in the morning and Nestle in the afternoon...

   Just saw a spider. It was sleeping. I crawled into its mouth.

   There is a fine line between "I'm not doing anything except looking at Facebook" & " I'm not doing anything because I'm looking at Facebook"

   It's been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I'm going there in person tomorrow to see what's really going on.

   No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.

   Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.

   I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.

   If I had some ham, I could have ham and eggs. If I had some eggs.

   The art of thinking can be a likened to a wonderful journey... as long as you begin it with a full tank of gas.

   The batteries in my electric toothbrush died before I finished. I've never smpathized more with women in my life.

   It was a perfect call! To prove it, let's block all witnesses and ignore all subpoenas.

   My concerns with anything having to do with the Royal Family ended in 1776.

   I think it's great that they're going to send a woman to the Moon which will be one small step for mankind one giant leap for women.

   ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose. DENTIST: That's an egg beater.

   “Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.

   A penny saved is more than a penny earned, because a penny earned is taxed.

   The first rule of passive aggressive club is, y'know what, never mind, it's fine...