Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thunderstorm knocked out my power so to pass the time, I'm sticking sharp metal objects into the wall outlets and hoping the power doesn't come back on.

   The next time you feel the need to post a picture of yourself holding a phone in a mirror, don't. The word tool first comes to mind.

   I'm looking forward to the day when Jesus points to me, and turns to our Father and says, "This one is mine!"

   "Use As Directed" is just a personal challenge to my creativity.

   Next time send the navy seals after Casey, not the Orange county sheriff

   Why won't the bank give me my cash in bags with dollar signs on them?.. That'd be cool."

   Wishing my dog had a snooze button!!

   I am starving, but not "get up out of the floor of the shower and make some food" starving.

   My refrigerator is like a condiment time capsule.

   The OJ trial started the Kardashian tradition of getting black guys off

   Disclaimer: I'm really bad at judging what size Tupperware container leftovers will fit in.

   It must really suck to be a podium salesman. "Are your arms tired out from holding five pieces of paper?" You need a podium!

   I hate when cashiers ask you if that's everything. Oh no, I'd also like all this invisible sh!t.

   We should sentence Casey Anthony to 4 years of watching Tyler Perry movies.

   Really!!! Kim Kardashian is upset with the Casey Anthony verdict!!! Your father defended OJ Simpson, Thus starting the Kardashian tradition of getting black men off!!!

   if you put pictures of lost kids on Beer Cans instead of Milk Cartons we'd find them in about 15 minutes

   We're all in the same game, just different levels. Dealing with the same hell, just different devils.

   Players are like the letter Q : A big zero with a small little tail....

   Figuring out a waman's age by checking out her friends list

   I wonder if any of the jurors would let Casey Anthony babysit their kids...